


Set My Heart Aflame

by UpsideAround



Series: Candlelight (Like A Dream) [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, nonbinary!lafayette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-05-31 14:39:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6474370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpsideAround/pseuds/UpsideAround
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Alexander was on one knee, holding a ring pop, proposal style. He had that stupid grin on his face, and his eyes were alight with his own genius. He was probably immensely proud of coming up with the idea of a ring pop proposal on the spot. John had to stifle a laugh."<br/>-<br/>Long story short, Alexander made a $100 bet that he could acquire a date by spring break. John is still hopelessly in love with him, even if their relationship isn't real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here we go! I ran out of fake relationship AU to read, so the obvious answer was to write my own. I am trash.

John was sitting atop his bed ( _loft_ bed, not bunk bed, thank you very much), homework sprawled out over the sheets. He was laying on his stomach, glancing between the book and the page of questions he was working on. Read the section of the book, answer the question. Read the book, write out an answer. Give up on reading, google the answer…

 Alex, on the other hand, was on ground level, working on something at his desk. He was probably completely ignoring the assigned work in favor of writing a paper of something he was passionate about. Most likely because someone had made a passing insult, so of course he would decide that the only acceptable course of action is to respond with an essay.

 But this was all speculation of course, John really had no idea what Alexander was working on, just that he had been working on it for about an hour now. The tapping of his keyboard and the quiet gliding of John’s pen filled the background as they both worked on their assignments.

 “Hey, you wanna be my boyfriend?”

 John’s stomach dropped. He paused his writing, and looked down to Alexander at his desk. Alex continued his typing; he hadn’t stopped to ask John the question. The tapping of keys filled an uncomfortable silence now. John almost wondered if someone else had spoken, but they were the only two in the dorm.

 John chose his next words carefully. “I’m sorry, what?”

 He heard the continuous typing falter a bit as Alex responded with a blunt, “You. And I. Boyfriends.”

 John let a small sigh escape him. His mouth went dry as he felt blood rush to his cheeks. He was immensely glad that Alexander wasn’t looking up from his work. He set down his pen carefully, the ink smearing slightly across the page. He didn’t dare to believe the blunt words that Alexander had spoken.

 “You can’t be serious,” he finally managed to work out.

 “Of course not, I made a bet with Lafayette that I’d have a significant other by spring break.” Alex finally quit typing and spun around on his chair to look over at John. “Boyfriend or girlfriend. You know me, I swing both ways. And it’s not like Lafayette to confine me to half of my possible options.” Alex began to spin restlessly in his chair. “You didn’t think I was serious, did you?” His laughter chimed in John’s ears. “God, you and me? Can’t even imagine what it’d be like if we were actually dating. That would be ridiculous. Nonsensical. Absurd.” His face broke out into an odd grin as he stopped his spinning to face John.

 With every word that Alex added on, John internally flinched. Alexander had no idea that he had been crushing on him since day one, of course. John doubted that if he knew he would act the same way around him. He certainly wouldn’t want to be as close as they are now. It still hurt whenever Alex made light about them being together, but that was a sacrifice John was willing to make in order to keep their friendship.

 John forced a smile. “So what, then, are you asking me?” he prompted. His voice sounded strained, despite his attempt to sound candid.

 “Be my fake boyfriend for the week while I’m at home. I bet Laf $100 that I’d be dating someone by spring break, but here’s the thing.” Alex paused, leaned forward, and continued, “I’m not dating anybody.”

 John raised his eyebrows. “What’s in it for me? Because, you know,” he reached for his phone, “I could just call Lafayette right now, maybe let them in on the notion that you’ll have a fake boyfriend?”

 “I’ll give you 15%.”

 John huffed. “That’s only 15 dollars, Alexander.”

 “25%.”

 “30%, _and_ you have to ask properly,” his false smile morphed into a soft, teasing grin as he listed these demands.

 “Hey, what was wrong with the way I asked?” Alex said indignantly. He was pouting, something John found immensely cute.

 John shrugged, returning his eyes to his homework. His attention was still focused on Alex. “Ask properly, or no deal.”

 There was a brief pause. John pondered as to if he should retract his original answer. Say no, he couldn’t be Alex’s fake boyfriend. Maybe come up with some excuse about needing to go somewhere else during spring break. He didn’t even know if saying something like that would work, Alex would find some way to refute every single one of his points.

 Or he could say something like _sorry, I can’t fake date you, because I actually want to date you for real, and fake dating will just hurt too much_. But he wouldn’t, he never would be able to form those words.

 “John Laurens.”

 John glanced up and all thoughts of saying no vanished from his mind. Alexander was on one knee, holding a ring pop, proposal style. He had that stupid grin on his face, and his eyes were alight with his own genius. He was probably immensely proud of coming up with the idea of a ring pop proposal on the spot. John had to stifle a laugh.

 “Yes?” He prompted.

 “Will you be my fake boyfriend for one week so we can take Lafayette’s money?”

 “Oh, Alex,” John said, in a tone akin to a cheesy soap opera.  “Of course I will.” He dangled his hand over the edge of his bed. “Now, how about you put a ring on it?”

 Alexander stood up, glanced between the ring pop and John, and made an exaggerated contemplative noise. “You already said yes, so…” he popped the candy into his mouth.

John scoffed and reached around to grab a pillow from his bed. He threw it at Alex, who ran for cover.  “You’re an ass, Alex.”

 Alexander peaked back into John’s vision. “An ass that is now your boyfriend.”

 John threw another pillow. “ _Fake_ boyfriend!”

 

* * *

 

John was standing in the middle of the living room of Schuyler home, feeling homely. His real home had never felt like more than a house, and he was terribly grateful to have found such a great group of friends at university. Eliza tagged along with Alex, Lafayette, Herc, and John’s shenanigans freshman year, but sophomore year Laf decided to study abroad. John remembered the conversation well. Ironically, it had taken place in the very room he was standing in.

  _“You’re doing what, exactly?” Hercules asked incredulously._

  _“Studying abroad.” Laf shrugged. “I don’t see what the big deal is, yes we’ll all miss each other, but the internet exists. And we can--”_

  _John remembered Alex interrupting in a very Alexander-like manner, with a fully reasoned argument, that is._

  _“In_ Paris _? I’m sorry Lafayette, isn’t the point of studying abroad to ‘expand your cultural viewpoint’? Or to learn a new language? You were born in France! This is doing jack-shit for you! What sort of advantage to you think you’ll get from this?”_

  _“Casse-toi Alex, je veux aller!”_

  _Alex responded with something equally loud and equally french. John’s understanding of it was loss in the flurry of the foreign language. He remembered shouting, and that Lafayette said something that somehow made Alex fall silent._

  _“Okay, okay.” Alex sounded slightly shaken. “You’re going to Paris.”_

  _And so the group stood together, silently. Each of their minds running a million thoughts a second. He remembered Peggy and Angelica entering the room, and understanding without a single spoken word. And he remembered thinking,_ wow, this is really my family.

 So the Schuyler house was home. And here he was again. He had left Eliza a very cryptic text, couldn’t put his thoughts together very well to send an explanation.

 Eliza entered the room. “Got your text,” she said. “What does this mean?” She squinted at her phone. “ _‘I’m dating Alex but it’s so much worse_ ’? How is this a bad thing?”

 John threw himself into the couch, sinking down into the cushions. “I fucked up, Eliza.”

 “Why, what happened?”

 “Well, you know how spring break is next week?” he asked. She nodded. “Well, apparently he made a bet that he would have a date. And well, he asked me.”

 “Oh my god, that’s great! Finally!” Eliza gushed.

 John made a sort of choking sound. “It’s really not. He, ah,” John avoided eye contact, “as fake boyfriends. I get part of the bet and a whole lot of heartache. Isn’t that just an excellent deal?”

 “I’m sorry, you thought this was a good idea why, exactly?”

 John groaned and put his face into his hands. “I don’t know, I’m helplessly infatuated. Also probably a glutton for punishment.”

 Eliza sighed. “What’s with the cryptic wording? You’re in love with him, not infatuated. If it was as small as that, this would have faded a year ago.”

 “Don’t know,” John said hesitantly. He knew he was in love with Alex, he had been for at least two years, but he never said it aloud. “I guess if I say it, that makes it…”

 “Real?” Eliza prompted.

 John nodded, his throat suddenly feeling constricted. “Yeah, real,” he said hoarsely. “God, I really messed up this time, didn’t I?”

 John felt Eliza lay a hand on his shoulder “Well you could always tell him how you feel. What’s the worse that could happen?”

 John laughed shakily. “Reject me, feel awkward by our friendship, say it’s fine but then slowly quit talking to me.” He straightened himself up slightly, and felt himself in Eliza’s comforting gaze. “I’ll be hell-bent before I do that, I can’t risk it.”

 “When has Alex ever felt awkward about anything?” Eliza countered. “He has no shame, and no verbal filter at all. If he can wake up after a one-night stand with Jefferson and be unashamed, I doubt anything you could do would make him feel awkward.”

“Did you just compare me to Jefferson?” He accused.

 “That’s not-” Eliza paused, “okay technically _yes_ , I did, but that’s not the point I was trying to make. I was trying to say that if accidentally sleeping with his rival didn’t deter Alex, nothing you could say or do would deter him either. He’s like a…” Eliza made a hand gesture, trying to find a word. “Sock.”

 John gave her a look. “Like a sock,” he deadpanned.

 “Yes, okay, he’s like that one sock you can never find a match to, and whenever you think you’ve gotten rid of the matchless sock it keeps turning up. The sock doesn’t care about if it’s awkward or not”

 John said nothing, but he raised his eyebrows at her.

 Eliza punched him playfully. “Shut up, okay! I was under pressure and the best analogy I could come up with was a sock!”

 Despite himself, John had to grin at that.

 Eliza nudged him. “There’s a smile. Cheer up. It’s just one week, and you can be back to the usual level of pining.”

 John gave a strained smile. “Yeah. Just one week.”

 Eliza stood up, her lack of presence shifted the couch. John turned and watched as she padded into the other room. He sighed and collapsed back, defeated. God, why did he do this to himself? He should have never agreed to be Alex’s fake boyfriend.

 He could see it now— Alex grabbing his hand to hold up appearances, grinning at John. His hand would feel warm and safe, but then John would suddenly feel sick as he remembered that, to Alexander, this was nothing more than a game. A lesson in acting. A way to win a bet and save face. But John would stand there with his lovesickness and plaster a fake smile on his face as he tried not to cry. Alex would laugh, oblivious to what was going on in John’s head and—

 “John?” Eliza asked softly. “I got you hot chocolate.” The smell wafted into John’s attention, and he was incredibly grateful for Eliza’s presence.

 “Thanks.” Eliza handed him the warm mug and sat down next to him. The silence grew comfortable. Eliza, always the most supportive of his friend group. She never liked to take the spotlight, but was always there when you needed her. The solid rock they all stood on. He didn’t know how she did it, or what he did to deserve a friend like her.

 So many times she put her own neck on the line in order to save another member from the group (more often Alex) from expulsion due to some protest or argument they had with another student. Like the mother of some rebellious teenagers. And they _did_ act like children.

 These were the thoughts running through his head when Eliza spoke a soft, “I still think you should tell him.”

 John felt as if the room had suddenly turned cold. “No,” he said firmly. “I couldn’t ever do that to him.”

 Eliza sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. “You’ll be okay.”

 John relaxed slightly. “I hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 Two days until spring break. Two days until John entered the hell that would be fake-dating Alexander Hamilton. He wished his future self good luck as he threw another shirt into his suitcase.

 “Hey, I was thinking—” Alexander’s voice drifted into John’s ears.

 “You never really stop,” John said.

 “—We’re going to need a story.”

 “A what?” John asked.

Alex moved in front of John and sat down on the floor. “You know, a story. All the relationship-people have them.” He modulated his voice into a mimicking tone, “Oh, we met two years ago, and fell in love at first sight. I would do anything for my dear old Johnny-boy here.”

 John rolled his eyes. “ _My_ name is John, Alex.” _And we met two years ago. And it was basically love at first sight._ The universe was fucking him at this point.

 Alex waved his hand. “The point still stands. What’s our story?”

 John paused thoughtfully. “Has to be realistic. For Laf to believe it, there has to be some reason we didn’t tell them. And how on earth would we have gotten together. We didn’t exactly meet yesterday.”

 Alex gazed off into space. He had the same look on his face whenever he was thinking. He would stare, unfocused, in a given direction. His eyebrows furrowed, making him looked confused, and he would fidget slightly with his hands. Then, when he found what he was looking for in his mind, his entire face would light up. His eyes got that fire that they always had whenever he was passionate about something, his entire body would straighten up, and he would immediately jump into action, without a single thought to consequence.

 And it did just that. Alex almost jumped up, a glint in his eye. “I think it would happen around December.”

 “Why December?”

 “You remember how we went on that walk on Christmas? With the snow and the lights?”

 John remembered it well. The snow had been falling gently all day, and Alex had asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. It was dark, but not the scary kind. The peaceful kind. He and Alex were padding through the snow, going around the neighborhoods, stopping to look at the decorations people put up. It was such a romantic setting, it was a wonder that he didn’t self-destruct on the spot. _Yeah, I remember. I remember that all I wanted you to do was to reach out and lace your fingers with mine. I remember that all I wanted to do was pull you close and plant a kiss on your already wind-kissed lips. Brush the snow out of your soft hair._

 But John didn’t say any of that. Instead, he responded with a simple, “Yeah. What about it?”

 “What if,” Alex started slowly, which was strange, as he never did anything slowly, “that walk was supposed to be way to get you alone?”

 John cocked his head. “Sounds more menacing than romantic.”

 Alex jumped into a kneeling position. “Oh, no, but it was romantic! Because what happened was, instead of being a coward, I took your hand. Like this.”

 John felt Alex slot his fingers in between his own and squeeze gently. John was suddenly self-conscious about how cold his hands were, because Alex’s felt warm and comforting. Maybe he was imagining it, but he could have sworn he felt a thumb grace along the back of his hand. God, he hoped his blush wasn’t visible.

 “Oooh, cold hands you’ve got there Laurens,” Alex chortled.

 John ducked slightly. “Sorry,” he murmured.

 “It’s fine,” Alex responded, mirroring his tone. “After I took your hand, we walked along the road for a little longer. Always stopping to look at the lights. I critiqued them while you kept telling me to relax and enjoy the lights for what they were.”

 “We did that anyway.”

 “I know.” Alex’s voice was velvet. John felt his blush intensify. The air was warm.

 John knew he should pull back and end where this was going. Because there had to be a point where he couldn’t hold up the façade. Either Alex would pull back, leaving John cold, or John would end up confessing something he wanted to keep hidden and end up ruining the friendship they had. Neither good outcomes. But it felt nice to pretend, even for a moment.

 He wanted to stay in the little bubble that Alex was weaving for them, in this moment where they spoke in soft whispers and felt nothing but each other’s warmth. In this dreamlike atmosphere, the tendrils of thought and imagination surrounding him.

 “And what else happened? A relationship isn’t formed by holding hands, this isn’t kindergarten.”

 Alex’s face glowed with the embers of a smile. “Of course not. What happened was I noticed a snowflake in that hair of yours,” he reached up with the hand that was not intertwined with John’s, “and I brushed it off gently,” Alex removed the imaginary snowflake, “like this.”

 Alexander let his hand fall to his cheek. Their eyes locked, and John felt his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. His skin tingled, as if he had been set aflame.

“I suppose I would have been turning quite red at this point.”

 “Sure you would have,” John felt Alex scanning his face, “But it brings out your freckles. Have I ever told you that?”

 “No,” John whispered.

 “Well I would have told you, on that night. I would have told you that there was no need for clear skies, because I had my moon right with me.”

 “Always so eloquent with words,” John mumbled.

 “For you, dear Laurens, always,” Alex purled. “I would have run my thumb across your cheek, like—”

 John shivered as the soft touch graced the side of his face—

 “—that.” As Alex spoke, John realized how close to each other they had become. In the midst of their imagined scene, they had gone from being next to one another to being _with_ each other. Alex’s blazing eyes were as close as John had ever seen them. Alex had fallen silent. The world stood still. He was hyper aware of the warmth radiating from Alex’s skin, and every breath drew in desperately needed air.

 John felt a spark of dread light in the pit of his stomach. Oh god, what the hell was he doing? There’s no way that Alex could be feeling the same way he was. This scenario was just that- a scenario. He flinched back, as if burned.

 “Shit.” The curse left his mouth involuntarily. He stood up abruptly, popping the bubble. “That was-”

 "Unexpected, should not have—” Alex interrupted.

 “—I have to pack, should be—” John interrupted him right back.

 Alex made a gesture with his hands. “Of course, go on ahead—”

 “—going, I have have somebody I need to talk to—”

 “—I’ll just be going,” Alex stood up. They bumped into each other as they both tried to leave at the same time.

 “You go ahead and go I’ll just—”

 “I can stay here, you can go—”

 “No, go ahead, I’m fine here, really, I—” John was interrupted this time, not by Alexander but by his phone ringing from the other side of the room. Alex paced over to it. John caught his eye just before he picked up the phone, but Alex quickly turned away to converse with the person on the phone.

 John tried to avoid listening in on whatever conversation, but he heard lots of “yes”s and “okay”s and “we will”s. He heard a sigh and a “Bye, see you soon” before Alex turned back around.

 “Who was that?” John asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

 “The Washingtons. Wanted to make sure I was still coming. And that I was still bringing a guest. Which I am,” He elaborated, seeing John’s perplexed expression. “That’s you, you walnut.”

 “Walnut? The same person who gracefully compared me to the moon earlier can now only come up with the word ‘walnut’ to insult me. What has the great Alexander Hamilton come to?” It was meant as a joke, to lighten the mood, but it came off strained.

 Alexander avoided eye contact. “I should go, I’ve got so much to do.”

 And Alex left the room. John didn’t think it could feel colder than it was, but as soon as the door shut he could have sworn it dropped ten degrees. The thickness of the air previously was uncomfortable, yes, but at least it felt like something. Now the room felt empty and dull. Alexander Hamilton had left the premise, and John was left staring at a closed door.


	2. Chapter 2

John handed a smaller bag to Angelica as he picked up his suitcase. “Help me with this, would you?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said, accepting the bag. “Do you really need all this?” She asked, referring to the bag she was holding, as well as his overflowing suitcase.

John looked over at what he had chosen to bring. He had several changes of clothes packed, as well as his biology textbook, his personal reading, his pillow, toothbrush, allergy medication, and a notebook. His laptop was in the bag he had handed to Angelica.

“Yes,” he said shortly, not feeling the need to explain himself. He didn’t need to.

Angelica shrugged. “Suit yourself, but I won’t be here to help you carry this stuff out when you return.”

And so they went out, heaving along all of John’s stuff. They exited through the automatic doors in the front of the building. The sudden change in light made him squint and cover his eyes while they adjusted.

The first sight that greeted John’s eyes was Alexander, leaning casually against the side of his car. When John exited the building and Alexander noticed him, he began to make his way forward.

He ran over and took the pillow and notebook out of John’s hands. “You sure you need all this?” He asked.

“That’s what I said,” Angelica commented.

John rolled his eyes at the both of them. “Yes, I need all of it.”

“Why though?” Angelica asked, taking the pillow from Alex’s hands and turning it over to look at it. “I’m sure Alex has pillows. And we have online textbooks. And do you really need your laptop? What homework do you have over break?”

John opened his mouth to refute her statements, but Alex beat him to it.

“He prefers to use his own pillow, something about ‘the perfect consistency’, and the physical textbook is better than online books, everyone knows that, and do you think that if we didn’t have work over break that John would even bring a textbook in the first place?” Alex spoke in rapid fire, each word hitting precisely where he intended.

John turned to Angelica and nodded his agreement.

Angelica raised her hands in a surrender motion. “Suit yourself. I’m going to meet Eliza.” She popped on her sunglasses. “Have fun on your trip. Tell everyone I said hello.”

And with that, she threw Alex the pillow and strode off.

He and Alex exchanged a look, shrugged, and loaded his stuff into the trunk of his car.

“You ready to go?” Alex asked.

“When you are. Let’s go win a bet,” John quipped.

Alex’s face broke out into a grin. “Damn right!” He flashed a grin that made John’s heart stop, and hopped into the driver’s seat. “Let’s get going, then!”

 _Here I go. For better or worse,_ he thought bitterly. He proceeded to fall back into the passenger seat, wearing a smile that looked and felt relaxed but betrayed none of the ache he felt in his chest. He exchanged a small smile with Alex, and he his heartache eased somewhat.

“Wake me up when we get there,” he announced, resting his head against the side of the seat.

“It’s 9 o’clock! How can you be tired?” Alex accused.

John shrugged, closing his eyes and staying in his new position. “Didn’t sleep last night.”

“You were in bed by one! I remember, I was still up. And you were in your bed.”

“In bed,” John sighed. “Not sleeping.”

“Shit, I wish you would have told me,” Alex said. John hoped that he was hearing a note of concern coloring his voice. “I would have given you some sleep medication. What was keeping you up?”

 _Thoughts of you,_ John answered in his head. _The whole concept of this week has been running through my mind nonstop._

Instead, he said, “Stress of school.”

“Did you know that rats that are given an injection to make them stressed find it difficult to complete normally simple tasks?” Alex blurted.

John cracked an eye open and gave Alex a look. “Yes, I did, we’re in the same Psychology class.”

Alex waved a hand. “Unimportant, I needed to keep the integrity of the phrase ‘did you know’.”

John scoffed. “Sure, Alex.” He closed his eyes again.

“Sleep well, John, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Not if I see you first,” John mumbled, dozing off.

This would be John’s first time visiting the Washington household, though he had heard much about it. George and Martha Washington couldn’t have children of their own, whether that was a personal choice or not, John would never know, so they adopted. They adopted a kid named Aaron Burr when he was about 10 years old. Four years later, they were introduced to Alex, aged 12.

Even though they weren't siblings by blood, those two fought like siblings. Alex would always start arguments over petty things, for no other reason than to annoy Burr. Sometimes, when he came to visit, Alexander would be talking without a break, giving a remarkably well thought-out argument on the fly, while Aaron smiled and ignored all of it. It was the strangest interaction John had ever seen.

Aaron Burr acted completely different whenever Alexander was beginning to get on someone else’s nerves, however. He remembered one day at a brunch outing, Alex and Jefferson began to have one of their arguments. Alexander had been talking, quite loudly, about how the school’s budgeting system was a mess, when Jefferson’s voice chimed in with a rebuttal. None of them had noticed him and Madison sitting at a nearby table.

Alex had no hesitations in whipping around and getting into a full fledged argument. He and Jefferson didn’t get too far into it, however, as Aaron had pulled Alex back into his seat and hissed something like, “Talk less, Alex. Keep your mouth shut and smile.”

Alex’s eyes had flashed with irritation, and he then forgot his argument with Jefferson to scold Aaron on the notion that “staying quiet is just as bad as agreeing with him” or something along those lines.

So, yeah, Aaron and Alex fought like siblings, Alex’s nonstop talking annoyed Aaron, while Aaron’s tendency to stay bottled up frustrated Alex.

And then there was Lafayette. They hadn’t been officially adopted, but were a part of the family all the same. Lafayette put it thusly:

_“Oui, George is my dad. Not by blood, but he’s actually supportive and fun. The cool dad I never had.”_

No one ever talked about what happened with Lafayette’s father. Only Laf knew, and they would always dismiss the topic with a wave of a hand and say _“le passé est passé”_

John hoped he wouldn’t be intruding on this family dynamic on this vacation. He never felt like an intruder before, but that was at university. They were basically a big group of friends. Now, he is going into their domain, their personal space. As Alexander’s pretend boyfriend. God, if they found out, they’d probably be humiliated. Letting someone into their home whom they thought was special, but turned out he was just doing it for $30 and a chance to spend time with Alex.

These were the thoughts that circled in his head as he drifted in and out of sleep. After feeling as if only moments had passed, he would feel a jolt of the car, or maybe a flash of sunlight in his eyes, and he would awake for just long enough to adjust.

“John? John I need you to wake up.” Alex was shaking him.

“Huh? What?” John opened his eyes blearily. He blinked, disoriented, feeling as if he had only drifted off a moment ago. Alexander was shaking him with one hand, the other was on the steering wheel.

“Alex! I’m awake! Don’t get us killed!” John yelped as he pushed Alex’s hand off of him, so he could put it back onto the wheel.

Instead of doing such a thing, Alex waved John off. “I had it under control. You act as if you don’t trust me.”

John groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Am I incorrect to not trust you?”

“I’ll have you know I am the best multitasker this world has known. In fact, I once—”

“Says the guy who brushed his hair with his toothbrush and stuck a comb in his mouth because he said brushing hair and teeth at the same time was ‘way more efficient’,” he air-quoted.

“—Wrote an essay and sexted at the same time. Hey! That’s not fair, hairbrush/toothbrush thing was one time!” Alex huffed.

John had to laugh at that. “Oh, it’s totally fair. Your new efficient method? Complete flop, we ended up late to class because you had toothpaste in your hair.”

“Bad example. The sample size is too small, your case is illegitimate,” Alex stubbornly refuted.

John grinned. “What about that time you were skipping rocks and eating? You threw your sandwich into the water and bit your rock.”

Alex made a small whining noise, as if he wanted to interrupt, but John kept plowing though.

“Or that time you thought you grabbed your coffee to drink but it was the cup I had put my fish in while I cleaned the tank?”

“I didn’t even drink it! I noticed just in time.”

“Oh! What about that time you were typing up your essay for American History and I brought you a glass of water? What was it you did? Oh yeah, you dumped it over your shoulder because you had lost all coordination.”

“Okay, so maybe multitasking isn’t my forté. But I wasn’t going to let us crash.”

John rolled his eyes. “Sure. What’d you need me up for, anyway?”

“Oh, uh,” Alex’s eyes shifted, “I was bored. It’s been four hours of highway, and I’ve played the alphabet game with myself three times already.”

“Why didn’t you pop in one of your audiobooks?” John asked, confused.

“Didn’t want to wake you up,” Alexander stated.

John raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t want to wake me up… like you just did?”

Alex made an exasperated noise. “You know what Laurens? I can turn this car around right now,” he teased.

John shrugged. “You’ll be the one to owe Lafayette $100.”

“Oh shit, you’re right!” Alex feigned being shot, clasping his hand to his heart. “I’ve given you too much power! Now that you know my secret, I am under your control! Whatever shall I do, I can’t go on like this! Oh, dear John Laurens, will you release me from your control so I can escape the prison of money?”

John shoved Alexander playfully. “Don’t be dramatic, it’s not like $60 is worth much of the total wealth available in this country.”

Alex shot him a finger gun. “That’s true. The top one percent controls 40% of the country's money, isn’t that outrageous?”

John nodded vigorously. “What on earth would someone do with that much money? Swim in it? Come on. Lets raise taxes on the rich, I say.”

“It’s harder than you would think, I’ve researched it. The wealthy get their income via investments, and those have significantly lower taxes because it’s supposed to encourage people to invest, but—”

“—but in reality it doesn’t do anything but allow the rich to get away with controlling all of our money, exactly,” John finished.

“Hey, wait a minute, isn’t your dad super rich?” Alex asked. “Wouldn’t that be like wanting to dump your own wealth, raising taxes for yourself?”

John shrugged. “He doesn’t get money through investments. And if he did, I’d still be in favor of it. I won’t be hypocritical about it, we need higher taxing on the wealthy.”

“Hear, hear!” Alex cheered. “Plus, your dad is kinda a dick anyways.”

“I’ll drink to that,” John said. It was true— he and his father fought on just about every issue imaginable. Everything from minimum wage to the benefits of therapy. They don’t fight as much as they used to, but that’s only because John went off to university. He’s still just as much of a social activist as he was in high school.

“Hey, I just realized, I never asked you what you would have done over break if you hadn’t been requested for this opportunity to fake-date me.”

John scoffed. “Opportunity? Alex, you’re more often the dump-ee than the dump-er.”

“Doesn’t make it any less of an opportunity,” Alex grinned cockily.

John grinned. “Well, if you must know, I probably would have just rented some documentaries and stayed in every night.”

Alexander seemed sobered by this. “What, really?”

John shrugged. “Well, you were going back to Virginia, they Schuyler sisters are going on vacation upstate, and Herc was going to be busy with his other friends. You know, the ones who are also taking that tailoring/fashion class. So I was just going to spend the week staying in.” He fell silent, unsure as to if he said too much.  

“Well, it’s a good thing you’ve got me, then.” Alex said, his face morphing into a brilliant smile, the kind that left John completely helpless. And it did. At the flash of Alex’s dazzling eyes, John felt shivers along the back of his neck, and heat rise to his face.

He was glad he had Alex as a friend, he really was. The best friend he had ever had. Some late nights in their shared dorm were spent lying in their respective beds, and talking. For hours on end. They shared discussions about political matters, talked about the future, shared the deepest corners of their thoughts. John had told Alexander things that he had barely been able to admit to himself. Alex was the first person John had come out to.

_John was sitting on his bed, facing the ceiling. He could hear Alex’s steady breathing from across the room. His mind, restless, relaxed at the sound._

_“Hey, you up?” John asked, turning and leaning over the side of his bed to peer over at Alexander._

_No response._

_He sighed and lied back into his mattress. The bed squeaked slightly at the movement. John stared up at the ceiling, not at all tired._

_“It’s unlike you, to be asleep this early,” he began to speak. “Normally, you’re writing some paper because someone said something that you disagreed with. Ignoring all other classwork in favor of this spite-fueled energy.”_

_He laughed slightly. “Remember that time Jefferson made a quip about how he was ‘born better and would die better’? And you responded with a ten-page paper on how everyone was equal in death? The philosophy teacher was ready to hunt you down and put you in her class._

_“I’m talking to you right now because I can’t sleep. God, I’m so tired but I have a million thoughts in my head. Is this how you feel, all the time? You always talk about how there’s so many things you haven’t done, but they’re started, aren't they? Just little tendrils of an idea tangled up among other tendrils in that brain of yours.”_

_John sighed and fell silent for a moment. Alexander’s breathing held steady. It was comforting, in a way, to talk to someone that he trusted, despite that person not being able to register any of the words he said. Never had he had a friend that— Scratch that. Never had he had a friend. Period. Sure, he had people he was friendly with, but he never felt that urge to share his most intimate thoughts with another human being before. And now he had found Alex and the rest of his group. But Alex was the one he was closest to, by far._

_A long silence passed._

_“I’m gay, you know,” John admitted. “I probably fit some sort of stereotype, with these freckles and my political activism, but for the longest time I had no idea who I was. I would go out on dates with girls, nice girls, but I never felt anything for them. It wasn’t until high school, when a guy asked me to prom that I figured it out. It freaked me out too much to say yes, of course. Not the guy, but me. Figuring it out freaked me out._

_“I don’t know what I’m doing Alex, honestly. I’ve never told anyone, and my family is not the accepting type. Angelica is trying to set me up with her sister, but I’m tired. I don’t want to date girls to pretend. But I don’t want to tell anyone. So. There it is.”_

_John finished his monologue with a sigh and readjusted the covers. “Goodnight, Alexander. I hope you’re dreaming of something nicer than the words coming out of my mouth at the moment.”_

_He closed his eyes and curled himself on his side._

_“I’m bisexual.” The simple statement rang through the air._

_John’s eyes flew open and he unfurled from his sleeping position._

_“Yeah, I can’t sleep either,” Alex said softly. “I’ve always sort of known that I was bi, but I never knew how to place a word to it. Until, well, I learned the definition of the word bisexual. Less interesting of a story, but no less true.”_

_“How do you do it?” John asked._

_“Do what?”_

_John made a gesture with his hands. “Everything. You never catch a break, there’s always something that needs doing. Always need to rise to the defense of your friends, albeit an extreme, but you have passion for everything you do. Never half ass anything.”_

_There was silence in response._

_“Alex?” he prompted._

_“Yeah, I’m still here John.” A pause. “You want to know a secret? Doing everything is killing me. Hell, even now, when I don’t have something to do, I can’t sleep because I can’t shake the urge that there’s_ something I’m forgetting _. Another strongly worded letter to compose. Another homework assignment, another person picking fights on social media to deal with. I can’t keep doing it, but there’s also no way to stop. I can’t—” he broke off, the quiet of the room was erie._

_John didn’t quite know what to say. The room was filled with a comfortable silence as he processed Alex’s confession. Neither of them spoke, but were comforted by each other's presence._

_After awhile, John broke the silence._

_“Did you know I’m actually a shit piano player?” He asked._

_He heard a snort from Alex’s side of the room. “Didn’t you tell me, when we first met, and I quote, that you ‘had a gift’ and it was ‘honestly the reason we should become instant best friends’?”_

_John smiled at the memory. “Yeah, okay, so I exaggerated a bit.”_

_“Dearest Laurens,” Alexander started, “Pardon my french here, but why the fuck would you fib about something like that?”_

_John let out an easy laugh. “It’s not my fault! You were had a poster of some dude playing piano on your wall when we first met. I wanted to make a good first impression!”_

_“Some dude…” Alex pondered. “Oh, that?” His laughter filled the air. “John, that was a stupid joke Herc pulled on me! We found that poster at a garage sale and take turns hanging it in each other's rooms.” He broke off into a fit of… were those giggles? “I can’t believe you thought—”_

_“Oh, hush up,” John said, though he was wearing a grin._

_“Hey, don’t go all Aaron Burr on me! You’re the one who said it!”_

_John rolled his eyes. “Me from eight months ago was slightly more awkward in the ‘making friends’ department.”_

_“Well I suppose it worked out either way. We’re here now, aren’t we?” Alex asked, his voice noted with tones of wistfulness._

_“Yeah,” John said contentedly. “We’re here now.”_

“Hey, you still with me?”

John saw a hand waving in front of his face. He blinked. “Yeah, sorry, just got lost in thought.”

“Well, find your way out of your thinking maze, because there’s a rest stop coming up and I need you to take the next driving shift. And then I’ll take over for the final stretch.”

John shrugged and looked out the window. “Sure, sounds good.”

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, they finally pulled up the driveway. The sun had gone down awhile ago, but the light of activity could still be seen through the windows of the house. It was a sturdy house; it obviously wasn’t cheap, but it was modest.

John heard Alex sigh as he exited the car. The air was warm, though the breeze passing by was chilly.

“I’ll start unloading the car, you go inside and enlist the help of Lafayette.”

“Yeah, alright,” John said, grabbing his laptop bag. He hefted it over his shoulder, grabbed his pillow with the other hand, and began to make his way toward the house. Maybe he could save a trip. He made his way along the gravel pathway to the door.

He knocked on the door three times, anxiously standing there for someone to answer.

The door slid open. “John?” Lafayette stood in the doorway. “Pourquoi es-tu ici? What are you doing here?”

John stepped inside as Lafayette repeated the question. He remembered with a start that he was supposed to be fake-dating Alex.

“I’m, uh, Alex’s boyfriend.” His blood ran cold with the lie, feeling like an intruder. He carefully set his stuff down on the floor. “I’m supposed to get you to come help us carry things inside?”

John heard Lafayette mutter something about “get Burr to do it”, but then they turned around and began to march out the door. John stood frozen for a moment, only watching Lafayette walk out the door.

“Allons-y, John!” Laf turned back and stared at him expectantly.

“Sorry, Laf, I’m coming.” John startled a bit before beginning his walk back toward Alexander.

Once they had both reached the car, John began unloading items onto his arms while Lafayette began an interrogation.

“Alex! You and John! Quand?” Laf stood there accusingly, not even taking items out of the car.

“Je ne sais pas, Lafayette, December probably? Can we just go inside?” Alex snapped back, carrying his share of items. “And help us carry things in, will you?”

Alexander and John began their walk toward the house, carrying their stuff. They both strode forward, and Laf fell behind slightly.

Lafayette ran around to be in their field of vision. “Non, I will not, if you wanted quiet help you should have asked Aaron. Instead you have me. Why haven’t I heard about this?” They walked backward so as to keep eye contact.

John kept quiet as Alex huffed and responded with a “I don’t know, maybe because I don’t have to tell you everything about my current relationships!”

They had reached the door. Lafayette raised their hands in surrender before pulling open the door with one of them. “It just seems a bit suspicious that the convenient timing for you to have a date, for example, when a bet is involved, is the only time I’ve heard about it.”

“Hey, just because I don’t tell you about something doesn’t mean it’s not real! You were in France, for fucks sake!”

“There are telephones in France! I don’t believe it.”

Alex dropped the items he was holding on the floor. Hands free, he continued to make his argument. “You know what, you just don’t want to lose one-hundred American dollars! Do you even have that, or is all in euros now?”

Lafayette rolled their eyes. “This isn’t about the money, its—”

“Shut up, both of you!” John snapped. “Laf, Alex wanted to tell you from day one, but he didn’t, because I asked him not to. I didn’t want to go public, okay? It wasn’t about the money, or anything else, so would you both just let it go?”

Lafayette seemed to be softened by this, shrugging and glancing between Alex and John. “Alright, I buy it. But I’m not paying you until the end of the week.” And with that, Laf walked off.

John turned around to see Alexander gaping at him. “What?”

“That was,” Alex straightened himself up, “incredible. Damn, we wouldn’t have lasted five minutes if you hadn’t come up with that. Realistic situation, too.” He gingerly took the bags from John’s hands and set them on the floor. “I owe you one.”

“Besides the $30 I’m already getting?” John teased.

“You know what?” Alexander tilted his head slightly, “I owe you more than one. So the initial $30, plus one other favor. Deal?”

John smiled at the floor before looking up to face Alex, who’s face was bright with expectation. He was holding his hand out, ready to shake.

John shook it, but not before knocking his hand aside playfully first. “Come on, let’s get the rest of our stuff.”

Two trips later, they entered with the last of their bags.

“Alex! You made it!”

John turned to see who had spoken. It was a man who, much like the house, wasn’t grand, but had presence. He had that presence that made John want to correct his posture to win his approval.

“George!” Alex grinned and walked over to the man to give him a half-embrace. John stood stiffly, unsure of how to react.

Alex stepped back. “Oh, John,” he turned back around to John, “this is George Washington, my father.”

“And this must be the boyfriend?” George asked, turning to face John.

“Pleasure to meet you, sir,” John said, lifting a hand to shake.

George gave a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you as well. Alex talks about you a lot.”

“I...” John stole a glance at Alex. “He does?” Alex avoided meeting his eyes. John turned back to George.

“Oh yes, all the time. I’m trying to have a skype conversation about how things are going, and all he wants to talk about is his fantastic roommate.”

John felt his face flush. He was about to ask more when—

“Hey, where’s Aaron?” Alex asked, interjecting.

“Sleeping. Speaking of,” George picked up some of the bags they had dropped on the floor, “Let's get you two settled in.”

So they each picked up the rest of their stuff and began to lug it back to Alexander’s room. George dropped off the items he was carrying before wishing them goodnight and walking back down the hallway.

“Well, this is it,” Alex declared, before dropping the items he was carrying and flopping onto the bed.

John set his items down as well and began to look around the room. There was a desk in the corner, oddly clean, for belonging to Alex. He made his way over to the desk and absentmindedly traced the edges of it with his fingertips.

“Hell yes, I forgot how nice this bed was.”

At the sound of Alexander’s voice, he turned and smiled at the view of Alex sprawled out over the bed.

“You look pretty comfortable there,” John noted, referring to how Alexander seemed to be attempting to cover the entire bed with his limbs and burying his face into the pillows.

Alexander mumbled something, but it was muffled with his face in the pillows.

“Sorry, didn’t catch that.”

Alex turned his head and continued to be flopped on the bed. “I said, I am very comfortable here.”

John grinned. “Well, I won’t take the bed away from you. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Really? John you are an angel.” Alex wore a whimsical grin. John had to give a smile at the sheer joy on his face.

The floor couldn’t be _that_ uncomfortable, right?

 

* * *

 

John was uncomfortable.

The floor he had volunteered to sleep on felt like a rock. His pillow was under his head, yes, but whenever he tried to turn on his side to sleep, the floor dug into his side and he had to flop back onto his back.

He fumbled around in the dark for his phone. He clicked it open and grimaced as the bright light flashed into his eyes. The clock read 12:36. He groaned and muttered a “are you kidding me” before turning around to lay on his stomach. The blankets he was under rustled noisily, and the floor creaked.

The pillow felt like it was choking him. He turned back around to lying face up. His back ached. He sat up, putting his hands on his back, trying to ease the ache.

“John? What are you doing up?”

John turned his head to the side and saw Alex’s sleepy face blearing down at him. John, in the sitting position was about six inches shorter than Alexander lying down on the bed.

“Can’t sleep,” he said softly. “It hurts to lie on my side.”

“Hey, now that’s no good.” Alexander shifted slightly. “Come up here and be comfortable with me.”

“You sure?”

Alex uncovered one side of the bed with one of his hands, hardly moving. “Yeah, I’m sure. Get up here.” He shut his eyes again, relaxing back into a sleeping position.

John looked between the pillow he had been so instant on bringing and Alex. He then stood up and tread softly around to the side Alexander had pulled the blankets down on, making his decision. He set himself down and pulled the blankets back over the both of them. The mattress was infinitely better than the cold, hard floor. It dipped under the weight of both of them, pulling John closer to Alexander’s warmth. John turned onto his side, facing out from the middle. Alex was lying on his back, their bodies meeting in the middle of the bed. It was warm and reassuring, lying there in the quiet with Alex.

A few minutes passed like that; Alexander back asleep and John slowly relaxing. The tension eased out of his body and into the soft mattress and Alexander’s warmth. He felt his eyelids drooping.

“Goodnight, Alex,” he whispered as he gently drifted off. He was content.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I describe a bit of Alexander's childhood in this chapter. Please note that while I did take inspiration from historical fact, the story described is not completely correct.

_Warm._ This was the first thought in John’s mind.

 _Safe, secure, relaxed_ soon followed.

The sweet smell of cinnamon rolls flooded his senses, paired perfectly with the feeling of closeness. He was in his usual sleeping position, curled slightly on his side. An arm was draped over him. In his state of sleepiness, he didn’t bother trying to interpret who it was. His legs were entangled with another pair. The sheer intimacy of it made him feel like he was floating.

The ceiling fan was running softly in the background, the _tick tick_ in time with his breathing. A column of air wafted down from the blades of the fan, falling softly on his face.

He felt gentle fingers running through his hair and caressing the back of his neck. They seemed to trace patterns across his temple and dance slowly on his scalp as they absentmindedly stroked his hair. He breathed easy.

John could stay here forever.

He moved his left hand slightly, feeling the smoothness of the sheets. He sighed softly, tendrils of the buttery scent wrapping themselves around him and the person radiating warmth, pulling them closer together.

“Wait, what the hell?”

The spell broke. John’s heart constricted with the realization that Alexander had been the warmth that had made him feel so contented. Alexander, his best friend that he could never have outside a daydream. The cold truth hit him all at once and a knot of dread formed in the pit of his stomach.

“Sorry,” John muttered, detangling himself from Alex and the blankets. God, he should have known better than to accept his offer to sleep in the bed. He just ended up accidentally cozying up with Alexander, making him uncomfortable. He stood up, not wanting to make things any worse than they already were.

“No.”

At the sound of Alex’s voice, John’s stomach knot relaxed slightly, not daring to hope.

“No,” Alex continued, “I’m just confused as to what you’re doing in the bed with me, I thought you were sleeping on the floor?”

John turned around and gave Alex an incredulous smile. “You don’t remember, do you?” When Alex shrugged, John continued, “My attempting to get comfortable woke you up, and you told me to crawl in bed with you.”

Alex groaned as he lifted the front half of his body off the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. John noted his endearing bedhead.

“Are you serious? I don’t remember a thing.”

John shrugged. He began to move away, still feeling guilty for being so close to Alex only moments ago. “Now why would I make something like that up?”

“I don’t know.” Alexander paused. “Hey, where are you going? I just woke up!”

John stopped, turning back around. He raised his eyebrows. “And?”

“And—” Alex said it like it was the most obvious thing on the planet, “—I don’t feel like moving. Get back here, Laurens.”

John sighed and hesitantly walked back toward the warm bed. Alexander was gesturing for him to pick up the pace. John rolled his eyes, fighting a grin. He crawled back into the bed and pulled the covers up over the both of them.

There they lied, both of them on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. They weren’t entangled with each other, as they had been earlier, but it was still just as warm. The back of their hands were touching. John wished he had the right to slide his hand around and intertwine their fingers. The scent of cinnamon was once again prevalent.

Several minutes of comfortable silence passed, though John felt as if his longing was loud enough for the both of them to hear. There was the soft _woosh_ John exhaled his tension.

“Hey, John?” Alex asked.

John hummed in response.

“You want to get those cinnamon rolls?” Alex’s voice held contained excitement.

John turned to his side so he was nose-to-nose with Alex. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Alex’s face broke out into a grin that light up the whole room. He rolled off the bed, seeming to vibrate with excitement. His hair was incredibly tangled, not at all the usual nicely-combed look.

John rolled off the bed in the other direction, stood up and looked Alexander in the eye. “Shall we go, Alexander Hamilton?”

“I believe we shall, my dearest Laurens,” Alex said. He offered John his hand. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, there they are!” A woman who John assumed to be Martha Washington greeted them as they entered the kitchen.

“Martha!” Alex exclaimed, dropping John’s hand so he could greet her with an embrace. “It’s good to see you again.”

“We missed you too, Alexander.” She turned slightly, now facing John. “And this must be the boyfriend?” she asked, eyes twinkling.

“Yes!” Alex said excitedly. John felt his heart twinge because he knew it was only an act. Still, it was nice when Alex took his hand and introduced him. “Do you think we could get some of those cinnamon rolls we were smelling earlier?”

Martha clapped her hands together. “Of course! Go, sit down, I’ll get them for you.”

Alexander led John by his hand to the kitchen table, where two other people were already sitting. Aaron Burr, who had cut up cinnamon roll bites on his plate, was eating them methodically. Lafayette was at the head of the table, eating their cinnamon roll with one hand and scrolling through something on their phone with the other.

Aaron looked up at Alex and John, standing there with their hands clasped. “I was wondering when you two would suck it up and date,” he said simply.

Alex looked taken aback by this statement. “Oh no, Aaron Burr, don’t be so high and mighty and pretend like you had an idea that this” he gestured between himself and John, “—was going to happen inevitably. Have you even—”

“Sit down, Alexander.” Aaron said, gesturing to the empty chairs.

“—told Theodosia that you like her yet?” Alex released John’s hand and sat down without a pause in his ranting, “and now you’re here, telling us you knew we would get together all along? If you’re so good at reading people, why on earth don’t you ever take the offence on anything? The fact that you expected us to be together but won’t do anything yourself—”

“It's good to see you again Alex” Aaron said sincerely.

“—could be considered hypocritical, yes, I missed you too, but honestly what the hell?” Alex finished.

Burr shrugged. “I’d never seen two idiots more stupidly in love with each other. I’m surprised it took this long for Alexander to say something,” Aaron was now talking directly to John,  “he’s never been one to not tell people what he thinks.”

John gave a half smile. Aaron was exactly right.

Alexander didn’t keep secrets. There is no way that Alex could like him back. He had never been the type to keep his mouth shut when he liked someone. When Alexander decided he had a crush on Eliza, he asked her out the very next day. (They went out for one coffee date before deciding that they were better off as friends)

“Oui, Burr, I thought so as well,” Lafayette responded, “but John explained to me that he wanted to keep it quiet.” Laf shrugged. “I’m still bitter you didn’t tell _me_ , John, Qu’est-ce que tu ne crois pas que je sois un ami bon?”

Martha chose this perfect time to bring out the next round of cinnamon rolls. Aaron groaned and waved her on, not wanting a second. Lafayette rubbed their hands excitedly and picked up a fork in preparation for another cinnamon roll.

“Thanks Martha,” Alex said as he lifted his plate to accept the breakfast. “Hey, where’s George?”

“Out on a run,” She answered. Alex nodded his acknowledgement.

“So,” Lafayette leaned forward and rested their head on their hands. “How did it happen? How did you get together?”

John immediately turned bright red and purposefully avoided eye contact as he lifted his plate so that Martha could give him a cinnamon roll. Alex was right, they did need a story. Unfortunately, he could hardly remember any details from the actual story they came up with. All he could remember was being so close, the warmth of Alexander’s skin, and his eyes— oh, his eyes—

“It was December.” Alexander’s voice made John look up again. Alex was picking at his food, and not looking up, which was unlike him. “At the Schuyler's Christmas party. I, um, was near the door when he walked in, and he looked so endearing that I realized,” Alex looked up and met John’s eyes, “holy _shit_ I think I’m in love with you.”

John felt his stomach flop and collapse. He wanted so badly for the words that Alexander was saying to be real. They felt real. Alexander said them with such reverence that they could have been real. But John had to remember that this was all an act. Just an act. An act that left John defenseless and vulnerable.

“So I decided to take him on a walk in the snow.” Alex waved a hand. “The lights were glimmering, it was snowing, all very romantic. So we’re standing there, and I just think _oh my god he’s beautiful_ —”

John’s heart stopped.

“—so I kissed him.”

“Alexander!” Lafayette exclaimed delightedly. “I thought you didn’t—”

“We’ve been together since then,” Alex said, raising his voice to talk over whatever Lafayette was about to say.

“That's such a sweet story,” Martha said. Alex turned around and smiled at her.

“What is everyone doing today?” Aaron asked.

“Well, I was thinking that once George got back, we could drive down to the lake.” Martha pulled up a chair and sat down at the other head of the table.

Lafayette shrugged in agreement. Aaron nodded his approval. Alex looked at John expectantly. He looked around when he realized they were all waiting for his answer.

“Sure, sounds fun,” he finally said.

Alex grinned. “The water will be cold.”

“Yep,” John said, picking up his fork and beginning to eat again. “We should compete to see who can stand it the longest.”

Lafayette tossed a ten dollar bill onto the table. “Let’s put money on it.”

Alex and John both shrugged and began reaching into his pocket.

“ _No_ , we are not going to compete to see who can get hypothermia!” Burr waved at Alex and John to stop searching their pockets for cash. “Lafayette, take your money back.”

Lafayette sulkily took the bill and put it back into a pocket.

Martha clapped her hands together. “I’ll start making lunches, then!”

Two hours later, they were all packed in a car. Martha was driving, and George had passenger, that was simple enough. The problem was there were only two seats in the back. To make matters worse, the floor was crowded with the beach bag.

So, that his how they ended up here. Lafayette had claimed a seat for themself, Burr was grumpily tangled amongst the swimming supplies on the floor, and Alex and John were sharing their seat. John would have laughed at Aaron if he wasn’t so preoccupied with Alex in such close proximity.

“How long to this lake, again?” John asked after a particularly harsh bump on the road had clacked his and Alex’s heads together.

“Almost there, sorry son,” George said. “We didn’t need a very big car when it was just Aaron and Alex.”

“Yeah, it’s just slightly cramped,” John said, rubbing his head where he had hit it.

 _Sorry,_ Alex mouthed.

 _Not your fault_ , John mouthed back.

Lafayette sighed. “You two are speaking some sort of language of lovers and the rest of us are out of the loop.”

“Keep us out of the loop,” Aaron muttered. Alex kicked him.

“Ah! We’re here!” Martha announced.

The car turned into a parking space and stopped. As soon as the engine was turned off, Aaron escaped the car through the side Lafayette was seated on. Alex and John were the next to leave the car, feeling cramped. Lafayette took their sweet damn time exiting the vehicle.

Laf brought over the bag of swim supplies. “All of you are too fast to leave! You forgot all of this!”

“Lafayette, thank you,” Martha said. She was lugging the bag with their lunch in it herself. Well, it would probably end up being an early dinner, since they had all eaten breakfast so late and wouldn’t feel like eating for awhile.

Alex had started running down toward the crystal-blue water when George shouted after him.

“Alexander! You better have sunscreen on!”

Alex skidded to a stop before running back up the hill at equal pace. Aaron tossed him a tube of sunscreen as he approached the top. He quickly spread it on his face, neck, and arms. John half-wished that Alex had chosen to go in swim trunks only, not the swim trunks/T-Shirt combo. Then he’d have an excuse to put sunscreen on Alex’s back, and maybe Alex would return the favor. It would be like a scene right out of a romcom.

“John? You need any?” Alex offering him the sunscreen made John shake himself out of his imagination.

“Yeah, thanks.” John took the bottle from Alex and quickly covered his face and arms with sunscreen. Alex bounced on his toes as he waited for him to finish.

The second John snapped the lid shut and handed the bottle to Lafayette, Alex shouted “Race you down!” before taking off. John bolted after him, mind set on beating him to the water.

They both rushed into the lake, and the water was so cold that neither of them could remember who made it down first.

They were both waist deep in the water, and there was an unspoken tension as they stood stock still. Neither of them made a move to go further into the icy water, but neither of them started to walk back toward the dry land. They stood there for a minute or so, John vaguely noted Burr swimming past them and onto a boulder further out.

Suddenly, Alex pounced, trying to knock John into the water. The tension broke. John dodge Alex’s attempt to get him under, and refuted with a splash. Alex yelped and jumped back.

John quickly bounced to his knees, temporarily submerging himself in water. It wasn’t so bad, now that he was already completely wet. Alex’s face morphed into one of dread, realizing that John was intending on pulling him into the water as well.

“Shit, John, let’s think about this rationally,” Alex said, trying to spash John back. John grinned.

“Rationally how? Anything you try and stop me with out here can’t stop me. I’m already cold.”

“Exactly!” Alex pointed frantically. “You are cold! Why would you force me into such a dreadful situation?”

“Because—” John jumped at Alex, grabbing him and knocking the both of them into the water completely. Alex emerged with his hair completely in his face. “—it wouldn’t be fun that way.”

Alex was trying to hide his grin with a huff. “You know what—” he started, before tackling John back down into the water.

They both hopped up, each wearing a glint of mischief in their eyes. It wasn’t long before they were involved in a full-fledged splash war, pulling out all the stops. This included diving below to pull the others’ feet out from under them, or swimming out far enough so that to stay afloat they had to tread water and couldn’t spray water on each other as well.

Alexander liked to take advantage of the former strategy. While in the shallower areas of the lake, he would dive under and pull John’s feet forward, knocking him back. John laughed as he fell back, often getting water in his mouth.

John, meanwhile, would prefer to swim long distances while Alexander chased after him. They would end up hovering over deep spots, neither of them able to make a move, due to both of their hands being occupied with keeping themselves afloat.

This continued for quite awhile. John was high on Alex’s laughter and the sun. The water sparkled and waved them on. John spun his arm on the surface of the water, creating a wave that flattened Alex’s hair. Alex gave him an incredulous smile before moving as if to retaliate with a wave of his own.

“Alexander!” Alex paused and turned around at the sound of Lafayette’s voice. Lafayette was gesturing for Alex to walk back up onto the dry hill.

“Looks like I’ve got to go see what Laf wants.” Alex lurched as if to begin walking toward Lafayette, but he stopped. He seemed to hesitate before turning around and giving John a quick peck on the cheek.

He stood, frozen by the gesture.

 _It’s just an act, just an act, nothing special, we’re pretending, it's an act, it’s an act_ , John reemphasized. _Just an act_ echoed through his head as he locked eyes with Alex. _Just an act_ swirled around in this thoughts as Alex smiled faintly. _Just an act_ fell into a mist around him as Alex’s eyes slowed his thoughts. _Just an_ —

“Stop being disgustingly cute Alexander and come up here!” Lafayette’s voice sounded.

Alex gave John a knowing smile. “Stay warm,” he said before making his way back to the shore.

John shivered. He turned in place, unsure about what to do. He noticed Aaron Burr laying on a boulder that was further down in the lake. He efficiently swam over, not wanting to just stand there awkwardly waiting for Alex.

“Aaron Burr,” he greeted.

“John Laurens.” Burr shifted from his napping position to a sitting one. He removed his sunglasses and stared John down as John heaved himself onto a shorter part of the rock.

John fidgeted uncomfortably under Burr’s calculating stare. “What?” He asked.

“Nothing,” Burr said. “Just thinking about you and Alexander.”

“What about?” John asked, dreading the answer.

“You know Alexander’s father abandoned him? And then two years later his mother got sick and died?” Burr started.

“I knew he didn’t have any biological parents, but I never knew why,” John said. He felt a wave of sympathy for Alex wash over him. To lose both parents so young?

“Well, he did,” Burr stated, as if reading his mind. “And when he lived with his cousin, his only remaining relative, the cousin ended up committed suicide. Alexander was eight years old. Then,” Burr lifted a hand, “every foster family for the next two years wouldn’t last. The longest that anyone kept him was, I believe, two and a half months.”

John pulled his arms in close to himself, crossing them in front of his chest. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked hesitantly.

Aaron shrugged. “I’m being honest. My point is that I can see how much you mean to him, and he’s had a rough time meaning anything to anyone. I’m asking you if he means just as much to you.”

John exhaled. “Yeah,” he said softly. “He means the world to me—there’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for him.” As the words left his mouth, his chest ached with the truth that they rang out.

Aaron smiled. “Then I will not have a problem with your and Alexander’s relationship. Unless, for some reason, your answer to that question changes.”

John raised an eyebrow. “Is this a passive-aggressive Aaron Burr version of the shovel talk?”

Aaron did not respond but gave a half-shrug before turning his line of vision to greet Lafayette and Alex, who were returning to the lake.

Alex and Laf splashed their way in until they were about knee-deep, and then switched to swimming. John watched in uncomfortable silence with Aaron as they made their way over.

John watched as Alexander dove under the water, disappearing for a moment. 

Alex’s face popped to the surface. “Who wants food?”

John hopped off the rock he was currently sunbathing on and into the cool water. “Let’s go.”

Lafayette, Alex, and John began to swim back toward the beach area, but stopped when they realized Burr was still on the rock.

“Burr?” Lafayette asked. “Are you not coming?

“No, Lafayette, I am not planning on getting back into the water until it is time to go. You can swim, but I’m ‘a sit here. Dry.”

Lafayette rolled their eyes. “You can suit yourself, Burr. Mais, I won’t be bringing you anything.”

Burr shrugged. “Okay.”

Lunch was a pleasant affair, the sandwiches that Martha had packed were quickly grabbed and eaten. Lafayette took their sandwich sat at the picnic table with Martha and George, while John and Alex took theirs to the beach by the lake.

Or, they tried.

They first attempted to just grab the pre-wrapped sandwiches and go, but George stopped them.

“Where do you think you two are headed off to?” John stopped in his tracks. Alex’s guilty expression as they turned around did not escape him.

“Uh, to go eat?” Alex stated.

George shook his head with a grin. “I haven’t hardly had a chance to talk to you since you came home! And your boyfriend, well I’ve just met him!” At the second part, George nodded towards John, who turned red at the reminder that he was “dating” Alex.

So they ate with the Washingtons, talking about school, the weather, their “relationship”, and the state of the government.

George and Martha Washington, John was pleased to find, were just as politically active as their son Alex. John wondered if it was Alex that made them politically active, or vice versa. Maybe they both were already involved in things, and the universe just figured it was time that someone who understood Alexander got to raise him.

John was interrogated about his and Alex’s relationship. Of course, they didn’t mean for it to be an interrogation. For them, it was just friendly conversation. But for John it felt like every answer to a question was a minefield. Luckily, he and Alexander knew each other well. They ran into no trouble answering relationship questions. 

The topic moved to school; what classes they were taking, if they liked them, any fights they had with fellow students? Alexander responded that no, he did not get into fights with other students. John gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like  _Jefferson_ but no one was of the wiser.

Eventually, the conversation faded into comfortable silence. Alexander took this opportunity to grab a bag of chips in one hand and take John by the other. They walked down together to the edge of the water.

After the late lunch, the energy of the atmosphere died down slightly. Burr was on his boulder, probably napping. Lafayette was doing laps alongside George. Alexander and John were lying faceup on the beach, arms spread and wiggling in the sand slightly.

The sun was waning, and the cool water lapped at their toes. John may have dozed off at one point, he really didn’t know.

“C’mon John, I want to show you something,” Alex muttered. The air had cooled, and the sun was off in the distance, enlarging slightly. Alexander stood up and offered John a hand to help him up.

Confused, John let Alex hoist him up and followed as he elegantly backstroked over to another edge of the lake, semi-adjacent to the beach that the Washingtons were currently enjoying. As they got closer, John realized that the place Alex was aiming for didn’t have a very good beach. In fact, it didn’t have a beach at all. It was basically a wall of roots from the trees above.

Alex grabbed the roots and began using them as a method to climb up to the top. John waited at the bottom, treading water. “Uh, Alex….”

Alex turned around by swinging off the roots with one leg and one arm. He gestured with his arm. “Come on, John, it’s easy, and I promise the place we’re going is worth it.” Alex scrambled up the rest of the roots and disappeared over the top.

John grabbed one of the roots in front of him. The water on his skin turned the wood dark as he lifted himself up and began to climb up. As he clambered over the top, he finally got a view of where Alex had vanished to.

The wall of roots was shorter on this side, and John could step down gently into the soft green grass. There was a small field under the canopy of the big tree above them. In the opposite direction of the tree there was a cliff ledge, with flowers and moss growing in the cracks of the rock. The sun was just beginning to turn the sky orange, reflecting off the ripples in the lake. A gasp was caught in John’s throat.

“Alex…” he trailed off, starstruck by the scene. He felt Alex slip his hand into John’s, but for the first time he didn’t think about how they were only pretending. He was warmed to his very core, and he had temporarily forgotten about the unreciprocated feelings he had toward Alex. Instead, everything just felt _right_.

They stood there for several minutes, the sun bright on their faces. A gentle breeze ruffled John’s hair. The sky turned from orange to scarlet. The grass between his toes was cool. Alexander graced his thumb over the back of John’s hand. The gentle sounds of the lake lapping at the shore was music accompanying the melody of the trees’ whistling. John heard Alex sigh softly as the reddish hues turned violet. A bird sounded in the distance. Neither of them spoke as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon.

It wasn’t until much later; after George had called them back to the car to drive back, after Alex dropped his hand and they made it back to the beach, after “goodnights” and “see you tomorrow”s; while John was lying beside Alex in his bed that the miracle wore off.

It was late, Alexander had already fallen asleep, but John was turned around toward him, lying on his side, and gently stroking Alex’s hair. His elated mood had dropped to a subdued heartache. Alex looked so peaceful when he was sleeping: he wasn’t worrying about anything nor was he arguing. The fire that always seemed to surround him had faded to the soft flickers of a candle.

The ache in his chest spread to his throat, knotting there. He felt choked by emotion, the turmoil running through his head gently suffocating him. The memory of the sun and the lake haunted his thoughts. John rolled around to his other side, feeling cold despite the heavy blankets.

His heartache spread to his cheeks and gathered in pools behind his eyes. He was no longer facing Alex, and was instead looking toward the blank wall. A clock ticked from somewhere in the room. God, he couldn’t keep doing this for much longer.

John wiped his eyes. He would have to tell Alex… what, exactly? That he was in love with him and just couldn’t take it anymore? That he decided to back out of his part of the deal? That he got an urgent call and had to go back home immediately?

John began to wonder if he could even go back to the way things were. Something had shifted between them, and he was slipping. He would need to tell Alexander something. He couldn’t go on like this— gestures and words that meant everything to John but nothing to Alex.

As he became more and more sure of himself, he fell back into the center of the bed. He felt Alex’s back against his, and he exhaled his tension and inhaled the smooth smell of the pillow.

And so John relaxed into the warmth of Alex and the soft caresses of the sheets. He fell asleep, comforted by the fact that it was the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some nice angst to wrap it up! my angst bug is getting impatient with all of this fluff.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I do at midnight instead of my homework, get y'all updates.
> 
> Shoutout to TrickyGab who was excited for “hopefully more fluff” in this chapter. Psych it’s all angst.
> 
> There's nothing like summer in the city...

There’s nothing like an abnormally hot day to cause a rise in tensions. 

When John awoke, he was sticky with sweat and immediately tossed off the covers. Alexander followed suit. They simultaneously stood up from their respective sides of the bed. 

Standing up, John was immediately hit with his memories. He remembered wistfully watching Alex as he slept, staring at a blank wall while trying (and failing) to hold back tears, and feeling choked with emotion. He certainly felt choked by this hot air, but at least he could breathe. 

Shaking himself internally, he made his way into the bathroom where his toothbrush was waiting, his head still buzzing with his thoughts from the previous night.

Alex, looking bleary from sleep, stumbled into the bathroom and fumbled for his toothbrush. He ended up knocking it off the edge of the counter, and clattered delicately to the floor. 

“Shit,” Alex muttered, bending over to pick it up. John stepped aside so that Alexander could walk in front of him to retrieve it. 

John caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked, well, like shit. His hair was sticking up in all the wrong places and he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He was in desperate need of a break from this emotional turmoil, it wasn’t doing him any good.

Alex stood up with a triumphant “Ah ha!” John grinned cheerlessly. 

Alex turned on the water. It made a dry  _ schhh _ sound as he stuck his toothbrush under the stream. John vaguely noted this in the back of his head. His more foremost thoughts were more nostalgic, remembering the dazzling sunset that he had witnessed with Alexander not 24 hours ago. His memory was tainted with the dark notes of dread, however. He dreaded the fact that the sunset might be his last amazing memory of Alexander.  

John stared into the corner of the room, dazed and withdrawn. He didn’t make a move to begin his morning routine. He felt frayed at the edges, and this feeling was only made worse by the intense heat of the day. 

His mind was still buzzing with his decision yesterday before he fell asleep. He didn’t know if he was thinking rationally the night before, but then again, he didn’t know if he was thinking rationally right now. 

He put toothpaste on his own toothbrush and began to work it in circles over his teeth as he stared into his tired eyes. Last night, he had decided to tell Alex something. He never really came up with something to tell him, it was more of a need to escape his current situation.

He glanced at Alexander, who was busied with his own morning routine. 

John wished he had never agreed to this deal. It was pure agony; everyday was another day of the type of romance that he would normally love, but it wasn’t real. And then he would fall back asleep in Alexander’s bed, so warm and comforted. It felt like home — but he needed to keep in mind that it wasn’t really home. It couldn’t be home. 

Most of the glances between them John had probably imagined, anyway.

He put his toothbrush away and began to watch himself work on his hair. Alex’s silence was unsettling. Normally he always had something to say. He was never one to hold his thoughts inside, he had virtually no verbal filter. It had gotten him into trouble, yes, but this quiet, it was the loudest quiet John had ever felt.

Was brushing your hair supposed to be this agonizing?

John finished up and set his hairbrush down as if it was a hot iron. He absentmindedly put his hand on his neck, looking around and trying to see if he had forgotten any part of his routine. He hoped he hadn't.

“I’ll meet you down the hall,” John said. It was the first thing either of them had said to each other this morning, and even then he wasn’t really talking to Alex. It was more of declaring what he was going to do.

John turned and left the restroom without waiting for a response. He didn’t expect one.

He quickly threw on a change of clothes (a 90’s style striped shirt and jeans) but left his shoes off because, wow, it was way to hot for shoes. He made his way out to the kitchen. 

George was reading a newspaper (if that wasn’t the most dad thing then John didn’t know what was) and Martha was sitting in the chair next to him. Lafayette was at the head of the table again, and Burr was sitting on one of the stools at the counter.

“Ah, John! Look who’s up!” Lafayette greeted as John walked in through the doorway. 

John greeted Lafayette with a grin. “Is there any food left, or did you eat it all?” 

Lafayette snorted. “I detest that notion, but non, I did not eat it all. Help yourself to some of those disgusting toaster waffles you enjoy so much.”

John muttered a “they taste good” in protest as he made his way over to the box and toaster that Lafayette was gesturing to.

“Where’s your other half?” Lafayette asked as John popped in two of the waffles and pressed the lever to start the toasting process.

“He’s not my other half,” John said defensively. It didn’t escape him that his first thought was of Alex, though Laf had mentioned no name.

Lafayette raised an eyebrow. “Don’t let our dear Alexander hear you say that.”

_ Wait, why did that matter? Why would Alex care? He didn’t! Did he? Did Lafayette know something he didn’t?  _ John thought frantically. He fell silent vocally, but his mind was racing.

“I can practically see you thinking, John.” Lafayette said. “Spit it out.”

“I —”

John was interrupted by Alex entering the kitchen. “It’s a damn hot day out,” he commented as he strolled in. 

“Alexander!” George chastised, flipping his newspaper down so he could look Alex in the eye. “Watch your fucking language.”

Lafayette snorted into their bowl of cereal. Burr cracked a smile. John shook his head as Alex’s jaw dropped. 

“Did no one else just see what just happened?” he asked. 

“Oui, we saw it,” Lafayette said, pointing at Alex with a spoon. “It was trés drôle. We laughed at you.”

Alex waved a hand exasperatedly. “Bye.” He turned around and walked out of the room in a rather dramatic fashion. 

There were glances around the room as everyone silently wondered if he was being serious or not. Shrugs and raised eyebrows were exchanged.

Well, everyone except John. He was making himself some toaster waffles and wasn’t concerned at all. He raised his hand as if to cue an entrance. “Wait for it, he’ll be back right about —”

Alex stormed back into the room. “Now, the hypocrisy of your statement—”

“—now.” John let his hand drop. 

“—is unbelievable, I thought honesty was one of your most valued qualities, and yet you have the audacity to tell me to— Wait, why is everyone staring at me?” Alex flew seamlessly from one word to the next, it took awhile to even register that he had changed topics.

No one answered his question, but Burr grinned at Alex before turning to George. “Is the air conditioning broken?” He asked, fanning himself with a paper plate. 

“Has been,” George said. “Lafayette volunteered to fix it, but has yet to do anything.” He pointedly turned around to face Laf.

Lafayette shrugged. “When it is hot out, it is too hot to work on it. And when it is cold out, it is not broken. Oh, and Herc says “hello” by the way,” Laf said, pointing at their phone.

“You’re texting Mulligan?” Alex marched over to where Lafayette was sitting. He plucked the phone out of Laf’s hands despite their indignant “Hey!”

Alex spoke aloud as he typed out a message. “Hey— this— is— Alex— text— me— back— you— bastard. Send!” 

Lafayette snatched the phone out of Alexander’s hand. “C'est le mien! Ne prends pas mes affaires!”

“Bite me, Lafayette.”

“At least take me out on a date first.” Lafayette was busied with their phone again, and replied nonchalantly. 

John flashed his eyes at the flirty response. He was about to interject when he remembered that he had no reason to be jealous.  _ Not your right, not your right _ he repeated to himself. And even if he had a right to be envious, hadn’t he just agreed to let it go the night before?

Alex grinned and winked at Lafayette, who made a blew a kiss back.

“Alexander, quit flirting, your boyfriend is right there,” Burr pointed out. 

_ Damn right he is,  _ John fumed silently. He gave a half grin of acknowledgement at Burr and stiffly waved his concerns off. Burr caught his eye and raised an eyebrow. John turned away.

John’s waffles popped up from the toaster, startling him. 

“Oh hey, are those for me?” Alex asked, walking over and gesturing to the waffles. 

“They can be,” John said, pulling them out of the toaster and onto a plate. He handed it to Alexander, stiff with bitterness.

Alex sported a toothy grin. “Thanks babe,” he said, quickly giving John a chaste kiss on the cheek. 

John’s resentment melted away at the touch. He danced across the room to grab the container of waffles and tossed in two more for himself. 

Alex had gone to sit at the table, propping his feet up on one of the unused chairs and setting his plate in his lap to eat. 

“Well, I was going to suggest that we all go for a hike today —” George started. 

A round of protests echoed throughout the room. Alex and Lafayette shouted a series of reflective “No!”s. Aaron groaned and exasperatedly waved his arms. John shrugged, not finding it in his place to protest. He was the guest here.

“—But unless it cools off, I don’t think we will be.” George looked around at all of them, who were all suddenly silent. “What, I’m not an unreasonable old man.”

John could have sworn he heard Martha mutter “Not yet.”

“So we aren’t going to be doing anything today?” Alexander asked.

George shook his head. “Not that I can think of.”

Alex swung his feet off the makeshift footstool and rested his plate on the table. “Well,” he said, making his way to the freezer, “then I will make myself a bucket of ice to help keep me cool, and do nothing but sit all day.”

“Alexander, you don’t make ice,” Aaron pointed out. “You just take the ice the freezer makes for you.”

“Well, that won’t stop me from doing it anyway.”

And he did. John amusedly watched Alex struggle with holding the ice and finishing his waffles at the same time, but once he finished then both hands were free. He used a large tupperware container to hold his ice and would periodically take a cube out and run it over his forehead to keep cool.

Lafayette decided that the only acceptable way to spend a hot day was to use as little energy as possible. Every Time John looked over, there they were, napping in a new location. Lafayette had probably told him it was because it was their “standby mode”, but John couldn’t differentiate between his real memories and the ones the heat had created in his mind.

Burr disappeared up to his room. (When John asked Alex what he was doing up there, he shrugged and said, “Aaron? No idea. His room is sort of a sanctuary, only lets people in when he sees they really need it.” He shrugged again. “Don’t question it.”)

The Washingtons had left in their car, probably to go to somewhere with air conditioning. 

That left John, feeling once again like an outsider. He positioned himself in front of one of the fans that he and Alex had set up throughout the house and just sat in front of it.

The day was long.

The day was hot.

 

* * *

 

The boiling point occurred at around three in the afternoon.

John, Alexander, and Lafayette were all gathered in the same room, each wrapped in their own mind, melting in the heat.

The heat was the sticky sort: the kind that was overpowering the room, swirling inside John’s head and short-circuiting his mind. Every breath felt like a chore, heavy and viscous. Scents were enhanced in the heat; the woody smell of the house, the smell of the outdoors, the air itself; all robust and competing for space in the cramped air.

Lafayette was sprawled out on the couch, messing with their phone. Being too hot to wear headphones, the sounds of flappy bird filled the air. John flinched slightly whenever he heard the  _ smack _ of the bird flying into a pole.

Alex was in the recliner. His big container of ice had been downsized to a cup that he had taken a cube from and was now running along the back of his neck. He would take sips of water from the cup as the rest of the ice slowly melted. He was murmuring quietly to himself. John caught blurbs of “could never work” and “no, I can’t do that”.

John was sitting in a wooden chair next to Alex’s recliner. The wood was cool to the touch, but it didn’t last, the heat of his skin warmed it up in no time. He sighed, trying to exhale the intense heat. He briefly wondered why he hadn’t brought the fan he had been using over.

Alex’s mutters suddenly stopped. He sat up.

“Lafayette!” He announced. “I’ve decided I want my money. Now.”

Lafayette rolled to their side and raised an eyebrow. “You don’t leave until two more days. That’s when you get your money.”

Alex heaved himself out of the recliner moved in front of Lafayette’s line of vision. “What does it matter, anyway, if I get my money now or later?”

“C’est important car  _ you lost the bet,  _ Alexander.” Lafayette was nonchalant, not even looking up from their cellphone. There was another  _ whack _ as the digital bird hit another pole.

Alex took a step back. John felt cold dread running through his veins. Did he do all of this for nothing? Did he ruin his relationship with his best friend for a bet that they  _ lost _ ? It’s not like $30 is a good trade off for losing your best friend, but at least it was something he could use to buy alcohol to drown the memories in. 

Alex, ever stubborn, crossed his arms. “I don’t see what you mean.”

At this, Lafayette turned off their cell phone and set it on the table. They sat up in a rather dramatic fashion. “Because, Alexander, you are the loudest person I know. You are never the type to keep something quiet. I could understand the story about you keeping it a secret for John at first, but now we know, and you have had no reason to keep it quiet. And yet you have done nothing but hold hands. Vois?”

John watched as Alex huffed and crossed his arms. “No, I do not see. In fact, I kissed him today at breakfast — You were there! ”

John’s blood froze. Was that all that had been? Showing off in front of Lafayette?

“On the cheek, Alexander,” Lafayette responded, rolling their eyes. “It hardly counts. In France we do it all the time!”

“Well this isn’t your study abroad program, this is spring break! Cut me some slack here!”

“Alexander,” Lafayette started, leaning forward and resting their elbows on their knees, “I do not doubt that you are in love with John. However, I do not believe that you are actually dating.”

“Pourquoi?” Alex asked.

“Alexander, Je croire —” Lafayette continued in rapid-fire french and John was lost in translation. He took a little bit of french in high school, but was nowhere near fluent. His mind was like syrup in the heat.

Alex rolled his eyes and assumed a defensive position. “Non! Ce n’est pas vrai! Lafayette —”

John was once again lost in the french. Alex was on another of his rants, leaving Lafayette with a scoffed expression.

“Alexander, do you really expect me to believe that?” Lafayette asked, bringing the conversation back to English.

“Lafayette, I have never made a bet I did not win, this is not any different!” Alex defended. 

John was once again pained at the notion that he was only a bet. 

Lafayette fell back into the couch, crossing their arms. An uneasy silence fell. The air was tense, as if it was nearing its breaking point. Lafayette’s expression seemed to be challenging Alex. Alex’s eyes had a fire in them as he turned back to John. Alexander was the only one standing in the room. Lafayette was slouched back on the couch, and John hadn’t moved from his wooden chair. 

And then Alex was taking John’s hands in his. He gripped them firmly, shaking them slightly as if he was testing how well they were gripped together. John was about to ask what he was doing when —

Alex used his leverage to pull John onto his feet, easily catching his lips as he pulled John into him. 

Kissing Alexander was everything he imagined. His lips were warm, not the stifling warm that the rest of the room was, but a gentle heat that John melted into immediately. He felt a sigh escape him as Alex held him close.

He didn’t know when he closed his eyes, but when he pulled back from Alex he blinked them open. Alex’s eyes were soft, and had that same candlelight in them that John always noticed surrounded him while he slept. 

The world seemed to spin around them, Alex being so close was intoxicating.

He may have just been imagining it, but their hearts seemed to beat in sync.

John inhaled as he lifted his hand to brush a strand of Alex’s hair out of his face. He didn’t think as he ran his hand across Alexander’s cheek and to the back of his neck. John felt Alex move into the touch and gently drew him back in. 

John’s mind was blank except for the thought of Alex. Of the scent of his shampoo, of his soft skin and tender lips. He felt like he was glowing, as if Alex had sparked a fire in his heart. The flame spread up his neck and reached his lips. Alex kissed like it was the end of the world, and John responded with equal vigor. John’s hand was buried in Alex’s hair and his whole body was tingling.

By some unspoken agreement, they both pulled back gently. John’s hand was resting on the back of Alex’s neck, entangled in his hair. 

“Hey there,” Alex said in a tone barely above a whisper. His eyes had a lost expression in them, and it made John want to hold him tight and never let go.

“Hi,” John murmured back. His heart sang softly in his chest. 

He heard slow clapping from the background.

He turned his head to see the applause had come from Lafayette. Laf had a delighted look on their face, and stood up as they clapped. “Félicitations à vous!” they said. “If that was an act, it is worthy of $100.”

Lafayette pulled a wallet out of their pocket and fingered out a few bills. Laf walked over to Alex and picked up his hand and pressed the bills inside. Laf laughed gleefully before scampering off to the other room, waving them off with a “bonne chance!”

John turned around, dropping his hand, and noticed Burr standing in the doorway, holding a slushy. He looked slightly off-kilter and was gaping at the both of them. “I feel like I should not have seen that,” he muttered before turning and leaving the room.

John and Alex turned back toward each other, but a flash of terrible unease made John take a step backward. His lips were still buzzing where he had been so well-kissed. He felt the same knot he had felt last night return to his throat. He caught Alex’s eyes, but quickly looked away. He felt Alex’s eyes burning into his head, but he refused to meet them again. 

If he looked at Alexander now, he’d pull him in and kiss him until they were both breathless. But they were alone now. There would be no one around for Alexander to put on his act in front of. John would be baring his soul to him, but Alexander wouldn’t even pretend to reciprocate his feelings. He had no reason to, now that Lafayette had left and Alex had his $100.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” John murmured. 

John turned his back on Alexander and paced back down the hall, emotion threatening to overwhelm him at any moment. He laughed bitterly as he turned the handle to the room he and Alex sleep in. He found a harsh humor in the irony that he had just left Alex to be alone in the living space they shared.

He swung the door shut behind him and collapsed onto the cold bed. 

The room echoed with the creaking of the bed. 

The stupid sheets smelled like Alex.

He felt empty and utterly alone.

He couldn’t tell how long he lied there, softly breathing in the blankets, trying to pull himself together. He might have cried. (there were tear stains on the sheets when he eventually pulled himself up, but he never remembered crying the tears that caused them.) Maybe he fell asleep, or maybe time just stopped.

 _Stupid_ , he criticised himself. _He doesn’t like you in the same way. He kissed you because he made a bet, and you know how he gets. He means everything to you, and you mean nothing to him._ _Just friends, remember? Just_ —

A soft knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. “John?” He heard Alex’s voice ask. “Are you in here? I need to talk to you about something.”

Well if that isn’t ominus. John pulled himself off the bed and made his way over to the door. 

“Hey there,” Alex greeted. He wore a bittersweet expression. “Can I come in?”

John stepped out of the way. “It’s your house.”

Alex gave a soft chuckle that was more of just an exhale. “That it is.”

For a few moments, neither of them moved. John stood frozen in his apprehension. 

Alex took a deep breath. “Look, John—”

“Why did you kiss me, Alex?” John interrupted. He looked Alex in the eye. If it revealed the turmoil he felt inside his chest, then so be it. “You said this was an easy way to score thirty dollars.”

“It should have been,” Alex started, caught off guard that John had interrupted him. “It really should have been. I thought Lafayette wouldn’t catch on. I’m —”

_ Sorry. _ That was how that sentence should have ended. That’s how John wanted it to end. He wanted Alex to apologise, but how could he have anything to apologise for? John hadn’t even bothered to explain what he was feeling. But it was safer that way, wasn't it? If you don’t put yourself out there, it hurts less.

“ —the winner of the bet,” Alex continued. “I made a profit of $100, but—”

“Why did you kiss me, Alex?” John repeated. “An easy way to score some cash, wasn’t it?”

Alex recoiled slightly. “No, that’s not why I did it!”

John let a miserable laugh fly. “Why, then? You just  _ had  _ to win the bet, didn’t you? It wasn’t even about money!” he accused, finally stepping towards Alex. “You and your stupid pride! You don’t even stop to think about the effect you have on other people!”  _ You don’t mean that, stop talking, stop talking _ —

“So this is a matter of pride? I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about why you kissed me.” Alex’s voice was raised to match John’s strained tone.

John scoffed. “Why  _ I  _ kissed you? You’re the one that’s so self-centered you couldn’t stand the notion of showing up without a date.”

John could see the hurt in Alex’s eyes. He could see the pain his words were causing, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. Every frustration he had about Alex and himself came pouring out like venom. It didn’t help that Alex retaliated with words aimed precisely at all the right nerves.  _ Always so eloquent with words... _

Alex crossed his arms. “Oh, I’m self-centered? You pulled me back in, and you don’t even get half of the money from the bet!”

“I thought I was doing it for you, you bastard!” John was shouting now. “I didn’t stop to think that your fucking  _ pride _ was the reason you were in this mess in the first place. You just had to be so cocky that you made a bet about your love life.”

“Oh, wise words from someone who put on the single-most convincing act in front of Lafayette!” Alex’s eyes shot daggers at John’s heart. “You have just as much pride as I’ve got, if not more. That stunt you pulled had no benefits for you, aside from— how did you put it?— your fucking pride!”

“Forgive me for trying to help you out,” John spat. 

“Help me out?” Alex scoffed. “It was your little act— kissing me the second time— that did the convincing!” Alex shifted onto his toes slightly.

“It wasn’t a fucking act!” John snapped before he could register what he was saying. “ _ Nothing _ I have done has been an act! I kissed you back because that’s all I’ve wanted to do for the past year.” John felt his heart breaking as he spit his confession at Alexander. “I pulled you in because I wanted it to be real. Is that the answer you were looking for? I hope you’re fucking satisfied, Alexander. I—”

The fiery rage of John’s words died down in favor of pure hurt.  He felt his throat constrict. “I’m in love with you,” he choked out, gesturing helplessly.

Alex neither said nor did anything. He stood there, staring at John’s confession. John felt his eyes well up with tears. 

“Say something,” John whispered brokenly.

Alexander opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

John nodded grimly. “That’s what I thought,” he said, struggling to keep his emotions at bay.

He walked toward the door. He was reaching for the handle when he felt the first hot tear roll down his cheek. He paused before opening the door. He didn’t look back, but he spoke to Alex.

“You can tell them that we broke up,” John said, trying to ignore how his voice cracked. “Save your goddamned pride.”

John swung the door open and left the room. The air felt cold. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I know I said I'd have this posted on Friday, but some stuff came up, and I had it written but was unable to post until now. So, as an apology, I am simultaneously posting the first chapter to the sequel. Enjoy.
> 
> [EDIT] what the fuck this has fanart now????? I'm so hype for it! Some are scenes from the sequel as well. Ah!!!   
> http://wizardship.tumblr.com/tagged/smha%20fanart

John was sitting outside, rocking himself in the swing under the oak tree.

The heat of the day had faded into a gentle breeze. John felt chilled, but the lonesome outdoors was preferable to the fire that he felt inside the house. 

The sun was a rusty gold, nearing the horizon. The heat of the day was ebbing away as the sun took the light with it on its way down. John timed his breathing with the gentle back-and-forth motion of the swing. Every so often his breath would hitch and he would lose his rhythm, the swing stumbling back to being still. But he would slowly pull himself back into the comforting rhythm of his swinging breaths.

The sun glinting off of the hood of a car parked in the driveway rippled. A breeze blew through the trees, and John was suddenly caught up in the memory of watching the sunset with Alex.

_The lake lapping its rhythm and the sun_ _warm on his face. The melody of the trees, it felt so nice just to be there_ — _with Alex_ —

He took a shuddering breath as the tears began to fall once more. He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, futilely trying to stop the emotions spilling out of him.

In one fell swoop, he had managed to destroy his relationship with his best friend, insult and criticize him, as well as leave him behind, probably wondering what the hell just happened. 

John felt his stomach churn and the ache in his chest worsened. He stopped his rocking in order to wrap his arms across his middle and hold himself tightly as he cried. The wind rushed in his ears, his hair chaotically blowing as he gripped himself. 

_ I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry Alex _ — 

_ Should have never let my feelings get involved _ —

_ We can ignore this _ —  _ Let things go back to the way they were _ —

“John.” A soft voice sounded from behind him. 

John whipped around. He half-hoped it would be Alexander standing there, but his tearstained eyes rested on Aaron Burr, who was resting in front of him calmly.

“The hell do you want.” John tried to sound angry, but it just came out choked and pained.

Aaron didn't respond but stepped forward and took a seat, leaning up against the oak tree. John watched him carefully, trying to hold himself together.

“There are benefits to being the one everyone overlooks,” Burr started. “For one, you see things and no one is of the wiser.  _ It's just Aaron Burr, _ they say.  _ It doesn't matter if he sees this.  _ Because to the rest of the world, I'm a prop.”

John stared blankly. He had no idea what to say, and vaguely wondered how this was relevant.

“The point is,” Aaron continued, “I've observed your interactions with Alexander—”

John’s head whipped up at the mention of Alex’s name.

“—and I don't think you two are actually together, are you?” 

John laughed bitterly, his emotions spilling over his eyelids once more. “How’d you guess?” he asked. His frustrations at himself flooded his words. “Was it how uncomfortable he’s been? Maybe how he always goes oddly silent when I'm involved.”

“Was it the bet with Lafayette?”

John sighed disjointedly. “That's what it started out as. I thought I could handle it, being in lo—”

He broke off, wiped away his tears and pressed his palms against his temples, holding his head in his hands, willing the tears to stop.

“I thought I could handle it,” he tried again. “Come through as a friend. But I couldn't do it, all the acting. Every touch, every kiss was just an act to him, but it meant everything to me.” He spoke into his hands. God, he was a fucking mess. 

“Do you want to know how I figured it out?” Aaron asked.

John turned his head to look over at him. “What do you mean?”

Aaron sighed. He leaned forward slightly. “I mean that I believed it at first, but the more I saw the way you two interacted, the more I questioned it. Whenever Alexander grabbed ahold of your hand, or gave you a kiss, you lit up like it was the first time it had happened. And whenever you look away, Alexander looks like a kicked puppy.”

John fell silent, the air whooshing out of his lungs as he exhaled. 

“So I wondered— Why, if you two were finally together, did you still act like your feelings were unrequited?” Aaron paused. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

John took a slow inhale, trying to steady himself. “I think so, but it doesn’t help anything.” John recalled their fight, all the hurt that had been dealt.  _ Self-centered. You bastard. Your fucking pride. _ God, he wished he could take it all back. “I said some really horrible things, and he wouldn’t say a word after I told him the truth.”

John watched Aaron glance back toward the house. He couldn’t tell what he was looking for. John didn’t say anything, he didn’t trust himself to speak. 

John began to rock the swing again. The air brushed across his face, drying his face.

Burr didn’t say anything either. John watched as he pulled out his phone and typed something out. 

The trees rustled in the distance, indicating another gust of wind was approaching.

Burr’s phone buzzed gently with the indication of another text.

“Hey, you want to sleep in my room tonight?” he asked.

John’s heart turned cold at the thought of going back into the house. What if he ran into Alex, what would he say?  _ Oh, sorry about my everything. I’m in love with you so much that I can’t even stand to be in the same room. It hurts too much. Let’s ignore eachother because I don’t want to be in that much pain again. _

“Alexander is in his room,” Aaron said. “Lafayette is making sure he stays there for now.” He lifted his phone, indicating that he had confirmed with Laf.

Aaron stood up and turned his back on John, walking toward the house.

John pulled himself onto his feet. Silently grateful, he followed Aaron inside.

The house was dark and silent. The grey walls fell into the background of John’s mind as he followed Aaron down the hall. He passed the closed door to Alex’s room and stared at the smooth wood. Alexander was just beyond that slice of thin wood. John reached toward the door, but then shook himself and followed Burr up the staircase at the end of the hall.

Aaron opened the door to his room and John stepped inside. The main light was off, but there was a soft glow from a lamp on a desk in the corner. His feet pressed into the carpet as he walked around the room. 

Maybe it was the grey walls or the gentle glow of the lamp, but the air of the room seemed to embrace him. He relaxed

“Alex was right,” he muttered to himself.

Aaron gave him a look. 

“Alex told me your room was like a sanctuary,” John elaborated, raising his voice slightly.

Aaron gave a dry smile. “Alexander is often right, although I don’t like to admit it.”

John nodded, and stumbled towards the back of the room, where he leaned back against the wall for a moment before sliding down and buckling to a sitting position. He held his knees as he sat on that floor, as if trying to collapse into himself.

“Burr?” he asked.

Aaron looked over at him. 

“Do you think Alex regrets inviting me here? I mean,” John swallowed, “I got frustrated about the whole fake-relationship thing, and I took it out on him. Probably ruined our friendship.”

“What makes you say that?” Aaron asked, sitting down on his bed.

John scoffed. “We had this… fight. I shouted. He shouted. I said some horrible things and he, understandably, responded in kind.”

“Alexander, he is like a fire,” Aaron started. “He has so much passion for everything he does. He has immense power when it is controlled. He can be comforting warmth or a raging flame. As little as the flicker of a candle or as big as the roar of a wildfire. He often looks back on the destruction he unwittingly causes and it horrifies him. But you probably already knew that.”

John nodded. “It’s nice to hear it out loud.”

“A fire can’t hesitate, it can just take, John.” Aaron’s tone shifted to one that seemed to be warning him of some unseen danger. 

John formed his next words carefully. “Are you saying that I shouldn’t try and talk to him?”

“I’m saying that if he hesitates for you, it’s going against his very nature. And he has been.” Aaron shrugged. “Make of that as you wish.”

John didn’t ever know Alexander as one to take things slow. He would always jump in head first, then figure out how to swim. It was one of the things he admired about him. It was also the reason that John had never considered the prospect that his feelings were not unrequited. If Alex was interested, he would have said something. 

Right?

John sifted through the carpet with his fingers. He wondered what the future held for him and Alexander. It didn’t look so good now. At the very best, they could be awkward friends. John mourned for the late-night conversations, said goodbye to the affection of close friends, cried for the golden days of yesterday. 

Easy similes and gentle laughter, humor and joy spilling out of the two of them, flooding his senses and lighting up the room. 

These memories were silver and gold. Once new, they had developed a taint and now tasted sour. He wrapped himself in the comfort of what used to be, and in the daydream of what never could be.

Something fundamental had changed between them, it had been changed for awhile now. But now that they had acknowledged it they couldn’t pretend anymore. He wished for a future where he and Alex could go back to how they were. He longed for a version of the world where Alexander loved him back. 

_ If I could take it back _ — 

_ Go back and change it _ —

_ Alex _ —

A knock on the door.

John turned his head toward the sound. It came from the door. Aaron stood up and opened the door partway, leaving John out of the view of whoever it was. Shadows were cast from the light of the hall into the room.

“Alexander,” John heard Aaron greet. “What do you need?”

“Hey, Burr,” he heard Alexander’s voice say. “Can I talk to John?” He sounded quite, subdued.

Aaron bent back to look at John to ask him silently what he should say. John shook his head.

“Sorry, he’s not here,” Aaron said. John gave him a grateful look. Aaron turned back to Alexander.

“Okay.” He heard Alex draw in a breath. “Okay.”

Aaron stepped out into the doorway, out of John’s vision. “Alexander, are you alright?”

“No, I’m really not.” Alex sounded so timid, it went against everything John knew Alex to be. “Burr— you always tell me to talk less, and I always dismiss it, but this time I really fucked up.”

“Alex.”

Alex choked out something else that John couldn’t decipher, but it resulted in Aaron leaving the room and closing the door behind him. The silhouettes disappeared as the light from the hall blinked out when the door shut.

John was left in the dark room and his cold thoughts. He stared at the closed door, wondering what was going on in Alex’s brilliant mind. John was the one that screwed up, right? He was the one who couldn’t handle his feelings towards Alex. Why did Alex think he was to blame?

The room swam in front of him; John collapsed his head into his hands, rubbing his temples. His head was pounding. The ache in his chest was temporarily forgotten as he shut his eyes to help relieve the headache.

Better headache than heartache. 

But John would have preferred neither.

A few minutes later, Aaron reemerged into the room. 

“Hey,” John greeted, barely looking up.  “My head is spinning, I think I need to lie down.”

Aaron nodded. He silently tossed him a few blankets, as well as a bottle of water. “You’re probably dehydrated,” he explained. “From all the—”

— _ crying, yeah, he got it.  _

John uncapped the water, sipping it slowly. It tasted bitter. He took another swallow, inhaled and leaned his head back against the wall.

He rested there for a moment, sipping the water until his headache waned.

He began to position the blankets on the floor, a thin one on the ground to prevent the carpet from scratching and the softer one for on top. The biggest one he folded up to be a makeshift pillow. He noted the lack of his own pillow.

And so John curled up on the cold, hard floor, trying to ease his mind enough to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, and he continued to roll around to different positions, trying to feel comfortable. The blankets were beginning to stifle him. He tossed them off, laying in the cold air for a moment before launching himself up and onto his feet.

He stood there for a moment. He felt relief in the cool air reaching his skin, but he still felt restless.

He quietly made his way down the stairs, through the hall and into the kitchen. It was different at night, there were no loud voices or teasing. There was no quietly muttered sarcastic response that everyone inexplicably hears and laughs at. There was no sweet smell of a hot breakfast. There was only the shell of these things. The stove was empty, the chair around the table unfilled. It was a ghost of what he had witnessed there previously. 

John padded over to the cabinet, found a glass, filled it with cool water, and sat down at one of the stools by the counter. He took a sip of it, contemplatively swishing the water before swallowing it down. He set the glass down on the counter with a soft  _ clink _ . There was something comforting about the dark solitude of midnight that relaxed him.

“John? What are you doing up?”

John turned around and saw Alex standing in the doorway. Alex was wearing the same outfit he had that day, save the pants, which had been replaced with something more comfortable. It was the same thing Alex did when he was under stress for school. He would just wear the same thing, switching out the uncomfortable jeans. 

Alex’s eyes were bloodshot, and he stood there almost hesitantly. He looked the most unsure of himself that John had ever seen. Alex was never one to hesitate. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” John muttered, turning back around.

“Yeah, me neither.” Alex shifted cautiously. “Can I sit?”

John gestured to the stool next to him. Neither of them said anything. John stared into his glass of water, occasionally taking another sip of it. 

Alex took a breath. “John, I—”

“Please don’t.” John said. “I’m tired Alex, I don’t want to talk about earlier, I’ve already cried enough today.”

“I know I said some really horrible things earlier. I don’t deserve you.” Alex said softly. “Will you at least hear me out?” He stopped. “And, if you decide that we—” Alex broke off, collecting himself. “That the damage dealt can’t be repaired, then I’ll leave you alone.”

John recalled how Burr had said that Alex looked like a kicked puppy. He hadn’t seen it before, but now, at this moment It was true. Alex looked as frazzled as he had when he stayed up a week finishing all the assignments he had avoided doing for the whole year. His hair was a mess, his eyes were reddish and exhausted. He looked as tired as John felt. 

John nodded. He continued to stare down into his water glass, not meeting Alex’s gaze.

“It wasn’t supposed to be fake.” 

John’s head shot up. Of all the things to start with, he chose that? His jaw felt glued shut, he didn’t feel any need to retaliate aloud. Any fiery arguments he may have had that afternoon had vanished. 

Alex’s pause in speech filled the room.

John was staring at Alex, who was looking back. He seemed to have relaxed slightly, but he still ran his hand through his hair, something John knew that he only did when he was particularly worried about something. 

“When I asked you if you wanted to be my boyfriend,” Alex started again, “I wasn’t joking. But you seemed in disbelief that I could ever be a decent person to date, so I quickly suggested we pretend to date. I thought it was a quick and easy solution to my embarrassing problem that I just asked you out and got  _ rejected _ , holy shit.”

John snorted. 

Alex combed his hair back again. “And every time I would do some sort of relationship thing with you, it hurt because I knew you were only faking it. At least that's what I thought.” 

John gave Alex a confirming shrug. He regretted how he ended up telling Alex he was upset, but everything he said about being in love with him had been true. 

“And then we kissed, and I felt like the world had stopped,” Alex said, a galaxy in his eyes. “I felt  _ wanted  _ and you made me feel that way. There’s always something special about the way you make me feel.”

John’s heart skipped a beat. He suppressed it, hardly daring to hope.

“And then you confronted me about the shitty thing that I’d done, and I lashed out. I tend to overreact. And then you—” Alexander took a deep breath. “You dropped a bombshell, and I didn’t know how to react.”

John smiled a bittersweet smile. The humor did little to lighten the mood, but it did help relieve some of the pressure of heartache.

“The point is, John,” Alex sighed softly. “I love you. And I'm sorry for all the shit that went down earlier. I could give you a million excuses about how I froze, or how we both attacked each other, but none of those things encompass what I want it to. There aren’t words that can dictate what I want to say.” Alex waved his hand helplessly. “I love you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

The counter that John rested his arms on was cool. The house was signing gently, cooling off from the day's heat. Alex’s eyes held that candle flicker, intimate and soft. John sat there, quietly, not saying anything. The ache in his chest had faded in favor for the peace of the moment.

The air was silent, but not cold. 

“Say something,” Alex said, echoing John’s words from earlier. 

John didn’t say anything, but silently slipped his hand into Alex’s and laced their fingers.

It was quiet.

 

* * *

 

John was warm. 

For the first time in awhile, it was a comforting warmth. Not a stifling one that choked him and hurt to breathe, but a warmth that enveloped him and whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

He fell into a state of partial-consciousness.

At some level, he was conscious and registered that he was curled up in Alex’s bed, Alex’s fingers running tenderly through his hair. His hand was curled around Alex’s. He could hear the soft sounds of the morning: the distant clattering of the kitchen, birds singing outside, the sound of his own breath and heartbeat.

At the same time he was in a dreamlike trance, not wanting to open his eyes to the bright light of the world. His mind was filled with swirls of memories and dream; each of them dancing and blurring together. The sunset-gold melted away to produce memories of the reserved colors of quiet. 

He felt a soft kiss being pressed into his forehead.

He blinked awake, opening his eyes to the warm glow of Alexander smiling down at him. His hair was falling into his face, lovably messy. Alex was currently messing with John’s own hair. 

“Were you watching me sleep?” John asked, stifling a yawn. 

Alex smiled tenderly. “Like you haven’t done the same to me. You should know by now that often when I appear asleep, I’m really not.”

“You were awake? That night when I couldn’t sleep, after the lake?”

“And the sunset,” Alex agreed. “You were stroking my hair for awhile, and I almost dozed off then, but then you stopped.” Alex stopped. “Why’d you stop?”

John remembered it well. “I couldn’t stand it, being so close to having you, but not quite,” he admitted.

“You…” Alex started, trailing off. He surged forward and pressed their lips together.

John melted.

He melted into the kiss, just as he had the first time. The warmth of Alex made heat rise to the back of his neck and he raised a hand to hold Alexander closer. The only sounds he heard were of their hearts beating. The only thing he smelled was the gentle air of the room. The only thing he felt was Alex, Alex,  _ Alex _ . 

John kissed Alex, and he felt like he could finally breathe. 

“This has been the best deal of my life,” Alex suddenly decided, breaking them apart.

John looked at him quizzically.

“I made one hundred bucks yesterday, so now I can take you out on a really nice date.”

John rolled his eyes. “You made seventy bucks, Alex. I was promised thirty percent.”

Alex huffed. “Fine. I’ll spend seventy dollars to take you out on a mediocre date.”

John laughed. “Sounds good to me.”

He collapsed back into the bed and gazed up at Alex. He couldn’t believe that he actually was sharing a bed, snuggling, with Alexander. The one he’d been crushing on for so long, where at this point it wasn’t just a crush. He was in love with Alex. He loved him.

Oh my god, and Alex loved him back. 

Alex grinned at John. “You do realize,” he started, “Lafayette is going to be so smug about this bet being the reason we’re together.”

“Well,” John said, smirking slightly as he sat back up, “then let’s give them something to be smug about.”

Alex’s eyes lit up. “Yes!”

So John pulled Alex in. Or maybe Alex pulled John in. Or, perhaps, they pulled each other in, not wanting to go one more moment without holding, touching, kissing each other. 

And later, when they went out to breakfast together, Alex wore his tousled hair and hickies with pride. 

John looked equally disheveled. Yet he had never felt more content as he did when he interrupted Alex’s monologue about how they finally got together by pulling him close and shutting him up with a kiss.

When Lafayette laughed as Burr sighed at the two of them, when the Washingtons busied themselves in reading the newspapers as they pretended not to notice, when Alex gave him a knowing smile; well, the house didn’t seem so cold anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at where we are, look at where we started....  
> My first completed multichap! Hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
